


Who He Is

by TheGreenMeridian



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Don’t copy to another site, Friends to Lovers, M/M, heavily internalised homophobia, mention of abusive parent, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-09-18 23:44:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20321509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreenMeridian/pseuds/TheGreenMeridian
Summary: Leonid learns how not to hate himself, and two broken men make a life together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here goes, my first ever Toptumov. And my first ever non-Valoris. This kind of exploded and I don’t know how, I was only going to write a wee smut and now look at it, it’s got chapters.

“Fucking hell Toptunov, I almost walked into you, you disappear when you turn to the side!”

Yuvchenko’s jibe got a round of laughter from the other men in the changing room, and Leonid forced a smile too. He was well aware of how fragile his body appeared. Ribs visible through deathly pale skin, a barely-there smattering of body hair so blond that it may as well be translucent... he didn’t need the constant reminder. He hurriedly pulled on his uniform, despairing a little at how it seemed to hang off him. Like a child playing dress-up, Perevozchenko had said.

He glanced around and caught sight of Sasha, his back to the room. Leonid had often noticed him changing like that. Perhaps Sasha was especially modest, perhaps he just didn’t want to see his coworkers naked. Either way, Leonid had been granted ample opportunity to look at his mentor’s back and admire the solidness of his body. He was careful to avoid staring, someone was bound to get the wrong idea otherwise, but he did end up looking more often than he should. Sasha had a few extra kilos on him, but he carried it well. Leonid thought he looked sturdy, vital. Far more masculine than himself, anyway. Leonid had often wondered if girls enjoyed Sasha’s body. He looked somehow inviting. Like he was built to hold them tight against his chest, let them feel safe enveloped in his arms.

Leonid pulled his gaze away. He had to stop doing this, it wasn’t right.

——

“Hey, come on. You know this.” Sasha smiled at him encouragingly. Leonid looked back at him Sasha helplessly. He studied hard, he learned quickly... and then his mind spluttered like an old engine whenever he had to answer a question.

“You’re smart, Lenya. You just need to get out of your own head. Here, let’s put this away for now.”

Leonid nodded forlornly and shoved his textbook back in his back. Another lunchtime study session with Sasha in which he ended up looking like an idiot. Why the man still treated him with any respect was beyond him.

“It’s alright Lenya, we just need to get your confidence up. Look... why don’t you come over tonight? We can go over some of this again in a more relaxed setting, it might help you.”

“Oh... no, don’t waste your time on...”

“It’s not a waste, I’m offering!”

Leonid considered the idea. He really could use the help if he was going to pass the senior engineer exam. And spending time with Sasha outside of work could be nice, he thought. He’d get to see where the man lived, what his apartment looked like.

“Ok then. Yes, yeah, let’s do it.”

“Brilliant!” Sasha said, smiling broadly at him.

Leonid blushed. Sasha was always so reserved, he’d not seen him smile like that before, and having such a beaming face directed at him made him feel a bit strange in his stomach. It didn’t help that Sasha had called him Lenya. Hearing the diminutive from him had always made him feel a bit lightheaded anyway.

The rest of lunch went easily enough, though Leonid never quite began feeling normal again. Sasha was a good lunch companion. He seemed genuinely interested in what Leonid had to say, he didn’t treat him like a kid. He felt like Sasha saw them as equals. Which was crazy of course, Sasha was older than him and had so much more experience at the plant. But still, Leonid was glad that Sasha enjoyed his company.

As finishing time approached, Leonid started to feel awkward at the idea of going to Sasha’s apartment. Being in his space like that felt too intimate. He thought about inviting him to his own place instead but the idea of Sasha seeing how tiny and messy it was, seeing the old stuffed bear his sister had insisted he take with him to Pripyat... it was far too embarrassing. It looked like a student dorm room and Sasha would definitely no longer see him as an adult if he realised how he was living.

Sasha sat next to him on the bus, as he always did. The man’s body was pleasantly warm and Leonid always appreciated how much nicer that made the journey home in bad weather. The bus soon went past his stop and he began to feel restless. Two more stops now, until he was at Sasha’s building. They had spent the journey in relatively comfortable silence, but Leonid could swear he could feel an unfamiliar tension underneath it, and it seemed more pronounced the closer they got to Sasha’s stop.

When it was time to get off, Sasha gave him a small smile and grasped his knee before standing. Leonid barely stopped himself from tripping down the stairs as he left the bus, the lingering heat from Sasha’s hand upsetting his balance and making his leg feel weak. He willed himself to calm down. It’s only Sasha, he told himself. Nothing to be scared of.

——

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to take a shower. Do you need anything before I get in? Coffee?”

“N-no, no, I’m ok. Thanks though,” he said, smiling awkwardly.

“Well, make yourself at home! I won’t be long, but there’s coffee on the kitchen counter if you change your mind and I have milk in the fridge.”

Sasha disappeared into his bedroom, and Leonid felt the tension in his stomach from earlier returning. He looked around at Sasha’s home. A well cared for record player sat in the corner above a few shelves of vinyls, and there were several bookcases full to bursting. He was surprised to see so many novels and volumes of poetry among the technical manuals, but the books about military history were no surprise. Sasha had shared his interest in old battles with him on numerous occasions, and though it wasn’t something he particularly cared for himself, he enjoyed seeing Sasha’s face become animated as he explained his passion.

He turned to the desk on the other side of the room, grinning at the little Gagarin figurine. Above it hung a picture of an older couple, unmistakably Sasha’s parents, and next to that was one of a handsome young man standing proudly next to a shiny Lada. Sasha’s brother, perhaps? Though he couldn’t recall Sasha ever mentioning any siblings.

Something brushed against his leg and he yelped, very happy that Sasha was unable to hear such an undignified noise. The culprit miaowed and looked up at him indignantly.

“Where were you hiding? You scared the hell out of me!” he said, crouching down to pet the cat. It obviously forgave him for his initial reaction, head-butting his hand and purring loudly.

“You’re a friendly thing, aren’t you?”

“He does seem to like you.”

Leonid shot to his feet as though he’d been caught at something, and turned around to see Sasha. In a bath robe.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you!”

“S’alright,” he said, trying to catch his breath. Sasha’s hair was still wet and it made him look boyish, despite his build and his impressive moustache. “I didn’t know you had a cat.”

“I don’t, not really. He belongs to a neighbour, but her mother in Uzgorod is sick, so she’ll be gone for a while. I said I’d take him until she gets back. It’s been nice having the company when I get home, it could be a bit lonely before I had him around.”

Leonid saw a slight flush creep up Sasha’s neck, and he looked suddenly as awkward as Leonid felt.

“Right... anyway... I should, uh...” Sasha gestured towards his bedroom, and Leonid nodded weakly, his heart pounding.

He collapsed onto the sofa as soon as he was sure Sasha couldn’t see him and exhaled shakily. God, what was wrong with him? The cat hopped on his lap and miaowed at him again. Leonid went back to petting him, letting the repetitive motion and soft fur calm him down.

Sasha reappeared dressed in a baggy white t-shirt and some jogging bottoms and sat in one of the armchairs. Leonid felt like he perhaps should have gone home to shower and change himself before coming here. He felt awkward enough as it was, sitting here in his uniform with the day’s sweat still on his skin while Sasha was fresh and clean made him feel even more like an intruder.

“Sorry-“

“I should’ve-“

They both started talking at the same time, laughing awkwardly when they realised their mistake. He gestured at Sasha to speak first.

“I should have thought this through better, sorry. I don’t have much in the way of food. What were you going to say?”

“I, um... I was gonna apologise for not having gone home before coming here. Still in my uniform and all. And I could probably use a shower.”

He winced. Fuck, great idea Leonid! Tell your boss you’re worried you stink, that’s sure to make you look professional. Idiot.

“Well you could, you know. Shower. If you wanted to. I have enough hot water and you could always borrow some of my clothes, even if they’d probably hang off you. I’m a bit, uh...”

Sasha trailed off, looking terribly embarrassed suddenly, and Leonid felt guilty.

“Don’t worry, honestly, no offence taken. I know I’m too skinny, you don’t have to worry about saying it.”

“Ah. Well, I was going to say that... well, that I’m a bit... fat.”

It was Leonid’s turn to look embarrassed now. Sasha was looking at the floor and curling into himself slightly, as if to make himself seem smaller. That’s why he faces away when he changes, Leonid realised suddenly. He doesn’t want any of us seeing him. He’s insecure.

“You’re not, you know,” Leonid finally blurted, after an awkward silence. “I mean, a bit, technically, I s’pose, but you um... it suits you. I like the way you look.”

Leonid knew his face was painfully red now, and Sasha looked even more uncomfortable, if that were possible. Leonid started hoping frantically that the heat radiating from it would set him on fire and put him out of his misery. He ran a bony hand nervously through his hair.

“Fuck, sorry. Sorry. That was weird. I’ll uh... I’ll just go, sorry.” He nudged the cat gently but it didn’t seem to want to get up, it simply chirped and stretched itself out further across his lap.

“Fuck, come on cat, please get up!” he hissed frantically under his breath.

“I think he wants you to stay,” Sasha said softly, amusement colouring his voice. Leonid looked up from the purring lump keeping him seated. Sasha was looking at him strangely, and Leonid couldn’t help but think there was a meaning behind it that he wasn’t understanding. “Thank you, by the way. I... I’ve never really liked how I look. My mother used to say it was puppy fat when I was younger, but I never seemed to grow out of it.”

“I’ve never really liked my body either. All angles and edges, my mum used to say. My sister just called me ‘walking corpse’. And, well, you’ve heard what the guys at work say about me,” he said, chuckling.

Sasha chuckled too, and Leonid smiled brightly at him, enjoying, finally, a lack of awkward tension between them.

“Well for the record, I don’t think you have anything to feel bad about. You look good.”

And there it was, that tension again, but this time it didn’t feel uncomfortable. In fact, it was almost sort of enjoyable. A boundary had been crossed somewhere without him realising it, and they were now at ease with each other in a way they hadn’t been before, and Leonid grinned at this new level of friendship.

Friend. That’s what Sasha was. Not just a mentor or a coworker or a supervisor. Sasha and he were friends. The thought warmed him.

“So, uhh, you never told me his name,” he said, gesturing at the cat.

“Vaska. I’ll miss him when Galia comes back, he’s been a nice companion.”

“Well, he doesn’t seem to have any complaints about how bony my legs are,” Leonid laughed, scratching Vaska behind the ear. His sister had once joked that a girl would never want to sit in his lap because it would be like sitting on tram tracks, but truth be told, he had never worried about it too much. Girls had never gone after him, and he’d never really felt the urge to go after girls either. It just... wasn’t something that really appealed to him.

Sasha leaned over to scratch Vaska’s chin, and his fingers brushed against Leonid’s own. A small jolt went up his arm from the point of contact, increasing in strength when he saw the unguarded affectionate look Sasha was giving the cat.

He was making it increasingly hard to forget why girls sitting in his lap didn’t appeal to him.

“So, did you want that shower then?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, thanks. If you can get him off me, that is.”

Sasha slid his hands under the floppy creature and freed Leonid to stand. His knuckles grazed Leonid’s thighs and Leonid was incredibly thankful his uniform was too baggy for his reaction to be obvious.

“I’ll, um, I’ll lay some clothes out for you in the bedroom then. There’s a clean towel already in the bathroom. Do you need anything else?”

“No, no, that should be fine, thanks!”

He smiled awkwardly and made his way to the bathroom, only releasing his breath when the door was closed and locked. Oh fuck. That’s why you’re so awkward around him. That’s why you look at him. You can’t delude yourself anymore, Leonid. You want him.

He looked down at his crotch in disgust, knowing that a half-formed erection lay beneath the excess fabric of his trousers. Fuck, why was this still a problem? He’d had sex with a girl now. Albeit only once, and two years ago, and when he was so drunk he could barely remember his own name, but he’d done it. Didn’t that prove that he wasn’t like this? Wasn’t that supposed to have fixed him?

He stripped his uniform from his body and climbed in the shower, steadfastly refusing to acknowledge the growing heaviness between his legs, washing himself as businesslike as possible with a bar of soap. _Sasha’s_ bar of soap, his mind provided unhelpfully. Sasha’s bar of soap that he uses to wash himself. _All_ of himself. _Naked_. In _this_ shower.

His arm brushed against his now fully hard erection and he couldn’t help the buck of his hips or the needy whine. That small contact had felt so much better than anything had in a long time. Of course he wanked, he was a 24 year old man, but he didn’t let himself get too carried away, otherwise his mind would go places it shouldn’t. Sometimes he would try and do it to one of the naughty magazines he’d gotten his hands on, but it always took too long to get anywhere with it, so it was easier just to be as mechanical with it as possible. Get himself off quickly when he felt the urge and refuse to think about anything while he does it. Simple.

But his soapy arm sliding across his cock, it felt like wanking used to feel. When he still let himself think about things. Would it really be so bad if he...

No, god, what was he thinking? Doing that in Sasha’s shower while Sasha was in the other room. Fucking perverted, was what that would be. What if Sasha heard him? What if Sasha thought Leonid was calling for him and came running into the bathroom thinking he’d fallen and injured himself and instead came face to face with Leonid, cock in his hand, stroking himself for Sasha to see.

The apparent lack of shower curtain in his imagining of such a scenario didn’t seem to matter as much as it should. Nor did the fact that his cock had somehow ended up in his hand. He squeezed himself a little tighter, choking back the low moan that threatened to burst out and echo around the room. Yes, Sasha would see him, stroking himself. His glasses would steam up and he’d take them off, stepping closer to see better. He’d look at his face, mouth open in pleasure, trail his eyes down his soapy body and see his long fingers wrapped around his hard cock. ‘What are you thinking about?’ he’d ask, and Leonid would reply ‘you, Sasha, always you’ He’d rub his thumb over his sensitive head, smearing precum and soap around, making himself slicker, making it easier to fuck his hand. ‘Keep going’, Sasha would command, and he would, watching the way Sasha’s eyes were glued to the increasingly frantic motions of his hand. ‘Yes, just like that, my Lenya’. And he’d keep going, wanting to drag it out but already close and needing it so bad, and Sasha would say ‘that’s it Lenya, come for me, love’ and oh he would, so hard just like- oh fuck, just like this, throbbing and aching and shooting his release all over the wall of the shower in thick ropes, sliding to the floor in exhaustion at the sheer strength of it.

Fuck. FUCK. How had that happened? He was still panting, his thigh twitching slightly as an aftershock ripped through him. He’d... in Sasha’s fucking shower. He was sick in the head. He knew he was fucked up but this? This was beyond fucked up, this was plain disturbed. He reached up to wipe the tiles clean, trying his best to ignore the volume of mess he’d left. The warm spray hitting his face was beginning to cool and he stood and hurriedly rinsed the soap from his hair and turned off the water. He walked unsteadily to Sasha’s bedroom wrapped in towel and swallowed when he realised how much the room smelled of him. The clothes he’d been left were even worse, some old jogging bottoms and a white t-shirt both clearly well worn and both rich with Sasha’s scent.

“Please, just stop. Just fucking stop!” he muttered angrily at his cock as it slowly swelled with renewed interest. The trousers were, as suspected, too big for him and even with the strings tied as tightly as possible, he sill felt like they were going to fall down his slim hips at any second. It would be embarrassing enough without him sporting an erection. He dried his hair and tried his best to concentrate on something to make his problem go away, to his shame finally finding success by recalling his one sexual encounter.

“Right then, let’s go try not to make a tit of yourself eh?” he said to himself, gathering whatever confidence he could scrape up and forcing himself back into the lounge. Sasha was still in the armchair, reading a book and stroking the cat, who was curled up in his lap. He looked up at Leonid as he left the bedroom.

“Ah, you’re finished! Was the water alright? I thought I had enough hot water left but if I didn’t-“

“No, no it was fine. Honestly. Much better than mine, I barely get 10 minutes!”

He sunk down on the sofa, tucking his legs under himself like a child. His breathing was relatively steady and any blush he had could be attributed to the heat of the shower. And really, Sasha probably wouldn’t notice if he didn’t quite meet his eye. If he could just keep himself normal for the rest of the evening, he’d be fine.

“Great. So, did you want food or anything or shall we get started on studying?”

“Er, no, I’m ok. Don’t go to any trouble for me. Unless you want something?”

“I can make us a few sandwiches! Here, take him.”

Sasha deposited the cat on his lap and disappeared into the kitchen, laughing as the cat jumped from Leonid’s lap to follow him and returning shortly with the promised sandwiches.

“Nothing much I’m afraid, I haven’t been shopping in a while. I promise, I’ll cook for you properly the next time you come over. I make quite good golubsty, so I’m told.”

Sasha looked quite proud of himself, and Leonid couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Oh yeah? Who told you?”

“Oh, an ex, uh, ex girlfriend. She liked it when I cooked for her, so I did it a lot.”

Leonid felt his stomach sink and a horrible tightness developing in his chest at the idea of Sasha being a doting boyfriend to some beautiful woman. He could picture him, fussing over pots and pans, taking a moment to grab his girlfriend and kiss her before returning to his cooking. Teasing her, telling her she had to wait.

“Hey, Lenya, where did you go just now? You looked really upset. Are you alright?” Sasha asked, looking concerned.

The distress must have shown on his face, Leonid realised. Best stop thinking about that for now.

“Oh, no, yeah. I’m fine, honestly. Just feeling a bit off today for some reason.”

“Maybe you’re just worrying too much about the exam. You don’t have to. You’re smart. One of the smartest people I’ve met. As I’ve said before, you just need more confidence in yourself, Lenya.” You’ve a lot to be proud of, you should remember that.”

Leonid beamed at that. The novelty of hearing such praise from someone he respected and admired so much never seemed to get old. Sasha thought so highly of him.

And the guilt came flooding back. How highly would Sasha think of him if he’d known what he’d done? What he’d thought about while he’d done it? He wouldn’t even want him in his home, of course he wouldn’t. What man would want someone with his sickness around them like this? And he’d already proven tonight that he couldn’t control himself, hadn’t he? God, why did his chest hurt? His face was tingling, his hands, his feet. What was wrong with him? Was he dying? Could you actually die from shame?

“Lenya? Lenya, you’re ok. You’re having a panic attack, you’re not in any danger. Deep breaths, come on, that’s it.”

A hand began rubbing his back in slow, soothing motions and he realised his vision had faded around the edges. Everything sounded echoey, like being in a swimming pool. He was dying, he had to be. A heart attack or something. He couldn’t breathe!

“It’s ok. Here, move over a bit, that’s it.”

Leonid felt himself being repositioned until he was laying on his side, a warm body behind him and strong arms wrapped around him.

“Can you feel me breathing, Lenya? Try and breathe with me. Can you do that for me?”

He could feel it, a slow and steady expansion and contraction of the chest pressed against his back, and a hand stroking his sternum in the same rhythm. He tried to follow it, his breaths shuddering, the pain of it too much. He began sobbing and the arms around him pulled him in closer.

“Shh, you’re ok. I’ve got you. I’m right here, you’re ok. Just try and breathe with me. You’re safe, I’ve got you.”

The voice continued to murmur soft encouragements in his ear and he let it wash over him as his breathing slowly fell into line with that of the person holding him. The man holding him. Sasha.

“Oh god!” he sobbed, despair hitting him anew. “You... I’m so sorry, don’t hate me!”

“Hey, how could I hate you? You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about Lenya, I promise. I’m not judging you.”

“But I... in your shower!” he choked out between sobs. Sasha simply continued to hold him and stroke his chest, entwining the fingers of his free hand with one of Leonid’s own.

“Whatever you did, it doesn’t matter. Please believe me, Lenya. I could never hate you. I just need you to try and breathe with me, please?”

Too exhausted to argue anymore, he gave himself over to Sasha’s calming breaths and gentle voice. Eventually he settled enough to only produce the occasional hiccup or whimper, and Sasha never once let go of him. They lay like that for a few minutes, Sasha tucked up behind him protectively, before Sasha spoke again.

“Lenya... would you tell me what that was about? Please?”

He sniffled pathetically. “I can’t, Sasha. You’ll...” and he shook his head, unable to talk.

“I won’t hate you, if that’s what you were going to say. What could you have done that would make me hate you?”

“It... it’s not just what I’ve done, it’s what... it’s what I am!”

“What you are? Lenya, I don’t understand.”

Sasha was still holding him tight, still had his hand on his chest, was still trying to calm him down, and Leonid was ashamed of himself for still taking advantage of him.

“Look, Lenya... believe me, whatever it is... I won’t think badly of you.”

“And... and if it is something disgusting? Illegal? What then?”

Sasha froze and the hand on Leonid’s chest stilled. He knew. He’d understood what Leonid meant. And Leonid’s heart sank. He made to move, to wriggle out of Sasha’s embrace before he realised just how intimate he was being with a... with him. But Sasha didn’t release him, he only pulled him in tighter.

“Lenya, I... you’re not disgusting. Being like this, it’s not disgusting. It’s not wrong. I know it feels like everyone says it is, but it’s not true. Please don’t hate yourself.”

Sasha sounded so sure, and so heartbroken, that Leonid could almost believe him. He rolled in Sasha’s arms, faces close together on the cramped sofa.

“So you don’t mind that I’m...” He trailed off, unable to put a name to it. “Because it’s not just that, I did something... I couldn’t help it, you’re just so... I look at you, when we change. And when you picked the cat up your hands were there and then I was in the shower and I tried not to Sasha, I didn’t want to do it at all but I just kept thinking and about you and I was in your shower and using your soap and you’d been in there before me, showering and I-“

Soft lips pressed against his, and a thick moustache rubbed against his top lip. Sasha’s arms were still around him only now if didn’t feel comforting, it felt... it felt sexy. It felt like he’d wanted it to feel with Katya. Sasha started pulling back and he realised he hadn’t moved, so he moved forward to recapture Sasha’s lips. Sasha moaned, and suddenly the kiss wasn’t chaste and gentle anymore, it was erotic, exploratory. He felt Sasha’s tongue against his lower lip and he opened his mouth, fully aware he was probably terrible at this but eager to let Sasha take the lead and show him what do.

A voice in his head was screaming at him to stop, that he should be ashamed of himself, that he was sick, disgusting, evil. But it was being drowned out by the wet sounds of their kiss, Sasha’s moans and sighs, and his own needy whines. He was so hard, harder than he could ever remember being, and his hands were grabbing madly at Sasha’s body, desperate to feel the broad back he’d stared at so often and feel the stockiness of his frame in all it’s glory. He ran his hand down Sasha’s spine and grabbed his plump buttocks, pulling their crotches together, Sasha’s erection colliding with his own and...

“Ah! Fuck! S-Sasha!”

He tensed, gasping for breath as his orgasm washed over him, powerful despite his earlier experience, holding on to Sasha as though he would disintegrate into dust if he didn’t.

When he opened his eyes, Sasha was staring at him like he was made of gold, and he forced himself to meet his eyes, despite his embarrassment.

“Sorry, I... uh...”

“Don’t apologise. It was quite, um, flattering. Honestly.”

Sasha was smiling at him again, his eyes warm with affection, easily shining through without his glasses in the way (though Leonid had no idea when Sasha had removed them). But as his high faded, reality started to come back into focus and he realised what he’d just done.

“Fuck! God, sorry, that shouldn’t have... please, I’m just gonna go. I’ll... I’ll see you at work, tomorrow. Just... fuck, I’m sorry.”

He grabbed his bag off the floor and shot out of the front door before Sasha had a chance to respond. He didn’t let himself start crying until he got home and realised he was still in Sasha’s clothes, his crotch still sticky with the evidence of his mistake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This thing just keeps getting longer without my consent.

Sasha wasn’t in the changing room, and he didn’t know whether to be thankful about that or not; he couldn’t bear to see him after last night, yet Sasha not being there made him worry. But Sasha must have simply arrived early, as he was already in the control room when Leonid entered. Sasha nodded at him in a painfully professional manner, and spent the rest of the shift speaking only when necessary for their work in a polite but distant tone that made Leonid’s heart feel like it was shattering.

Unsurprisingly, they did not eat lunch together. Nor did they sit together on the bus home. When Leonid got off at his stop, Sasha didn’t even look at him as he walked past him, and didn’t look out of the window when Leonid watched the bus drive away. It hurt. It hurt being ignored, but it hurt more knowing it was his fault. That he’d hurt Sasha this badly and ruined their friendship. And anything else he could have had too, he thought ruefully. But it was for the best, wasn’t it? He didn’t like men, not really. He just thought he did. He just needed to try harder to like girls, that was all. It wasn’t his fault if Sasha wasn’t trying hard enough to make himself normal too. Hell, Sasha had even mentioned having an ex girlfriend so he must have been capable of it at some point. What was it to Leonid, if Sasha had given up? Neither of them should be letting themselves do things like that or have feelings like that. He’d fall in love with a nice girl, learn to enjoy sex with her, and make his dad proud. That’s all there was to it.

When he woke up the next day, he had never been happier to find himself off work. He couldn’t face Sasha again today. His dreams had been strange, he’d been fighting through a crowd to get to Sasha, he could hear him calling out in pain, but nobody would move out of his way. Sasha had sounded weaker and weaker and Leonid had shouted his name frantically, but he couldn’t get to him in time. When the crowd finally parted, Sasha was laying on the floor, bleeding everywhere, dying. But he’d disappeared when Leonid had bent down to try to save him. And then Leonid had woken up, his sheets drenched in sweat and his face wet with tears.

No, he couldn’t face Sasha again today. He needed some time away from him, to try and get over him. Not that there was anything other than lust to get over anyway, it’s not like a man could actually love another man, everyone knew that. Men who had his sickness, it was only about sex. And besides, he couldn’t really be one of them, everyone knew the incurable ones were interested in young boys. That he wasn’t was just proof that he could fix himself, if he could only try hard enough. 

But then... Sasha didn’t like young boys, did he? And Sasha seemed to be certain that he was a queer. Yes, Leonid was a little younger than him but despite the ribbing he got at work, he was very obviously an adult man. And yet Sasha wanted him like that anyway. He rolled over and buried his head in his pillow. It didn’t make any sense.

A knock at his door startled him out of his misery and he dragged himself out of bed. He wished he hadn’t bothered when he opened the door and saw who his visitor was. Sasha, in his civvies, looking at his feet. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Leonid, I, uh... you left your uniform behind,” Sasha said, holding out a bag. “It’s in here. Don’t worry about my stuff, you can keep it if you like.”

“Th-thanks,”

He took the bag, being sure not to touch Sasha’s hand. He looked into it. Everything was washed and neatly folded. His heart twinged that that. Sasha was always looking after him. Even after what had happened.

“Listen I... I understand, Leonid. It’s ok. Don’t worry. I’ll keep out of your way. Just... try and be ok with yourself. Hating who you are like this, it’s not good for you. It makes you do stupid things.”

There was a darkness in Sasha’s voice that Leonid had never heard before and it scared him. He stepped back from his door and gestured at Sasha to enter his flat. After a brief hesitation, Sasha nodded and followed him into the small room.

“Sorry, it’s, um, not great. You can sit there if you like,” he said, pointing at the bed. “I don’t really have room for a sofa or anything. Do you want coffee? I have coffee...”

“No, no, that’s alright”

They spent a minute or two in silence, looking anywhere but each other, Sasha sitting on the unmade bed and Leonid hovering awkwardly next to it.

“Leonid I-“

“Why don’t you call me Lenya anymore?” he interrupted, unable to stop himself.

Sasha sighed and seemed to deflate, his shoulders slumped forward.

“I didn’t think it would be welcome anymore, after...”

“But... we’re friends, Sasha! Aren’t we?”

Sasha looked up at him and his face was a picture of pure misery.

“I don’t think I can do that anymore, Le-Leonid. I’m sorry.”

Leonid felt an unbearable tightness in his chest and a hollow sensation in his stomach that threatened to make him start crying.

“But...”

“I’m sorry. It’s just...” Sasha rose to his feet and ran a hand over his face, looking more exhausted than Leonid had ever seen him. “You’re a good person, Leonid. And you’re funny and you’re so smart, and getting to see you slowly figure that out has been amazing, but I never for a second thought you were like me, and it was ok, I was happy being your friend but now...”

Leonid watched the tears well in Sasha’s eyes and felt his own eyes water in response. It was a gut punch, a physical pain, his heart felt like it was being ripped out and he couldn’t bear it.

“I’m sorry! Please Sasha, I shouldn’t have-“

“Please Lenya, don’t say it shouldn’t have happened.”

“But... isn’t that the problem?”

Sasha laughed bitterly and the complete unfamiliarity of it broke Leonid, the tears falling and soft sobs coming from his lips. 

“The problem is that I’ve wanted to do that since I met you. And it’ll be too hard, being around you and knowing I can’t have you like that again, knowing I don’t get to kiss you again or tell you that...” He trailed off, tears falling freely down his cheeks, his body trembling.

“Sasha please.... I don’t... I can’t be like that! I can’t.”

“But you are like this, Lenya! You are!” The desperation in Sasha’s voice, the tears flowing down his handsome face, it was too much. Leonid sank to the floor. 

“I- I don’t... I don’t want to be s-sick but I can’t f-fix myself!” Leonid sobbed, despair suffocating him. Sasha knelt in front of him and grasped both his hands.

“Lenya, you’re not sick. You’re not sick, you’re perfect!”

“But it’s wrong! It’s-“

“No it isn’t, it isn’t! Please believe me Lenya, you don’t have to feel like this, I promise it’s possible to be who you are and be happy. It’s difficult but it’s so much better than hating yourself.”

He looked up into the concerned eyes of his mentor, his friend, hidden behind glasses crusted with salt from his own sorrow. Sasha looked broken, he had done since he’d arrived, and yet he was still here, helping Leonid with his pain. Again.

“Why are you helping me?” Leonid said, sniffling pathetically. 

“Because... I care about you, Lenya. So much. And I... I lost someone once, because he couldn’t accept this about himself and it scares me, seeing you like this. It’s one of the reasons I... If I get close to you like that, if I let myself... and then you die, like he died... I couldn’t live with it, Lenya. Not again.”

Leonid let himself be hauled to his feet and into Sasha’s arms. The warmth and solidity of his chest felt like coming home.

“I’m sorry, Sasha. I don’t know how to deal with this, with any of it. I’ve tried so hard to be different, I always thought if I just tried hard enough I wouldn’t have these thoughts. I even... with a girl. But I hated it, I couldn’t even...”

Sasha shuffled them backwards until they hit the bed, and when Sasha motioned at him to lay with his head on Sasha’s chest, he was too exhausted to put up a fight with himself. They lay comfortably, Leonid’s hand on Sasha’s chest, covered by one of Sasha’s own.

“When did you know? That you were...?”

“When I was fifteen,” Sasha said softly. “I knew I wasn’t interested in girls like the others boys were, but I didn’t even know liking boys was an option. But then my best friend and I, we went camping together and he’d stolen some of his Dad’s vodka. We got drunk and... and then we kissed. And I knew.”

“What happened to him? Was he... the person you lost?”

“No, he came later, at university. My friend and I, we snuck around together for a while, but people noticed how much time we spent together and it just wasn’t safe anymore. So we stopped everything, we didn’t even talk after that. 

“The man I lost was another student. He... he couldn’t take it, being what he was, and he took his own life. I still wonder sometimes if he’d still be alive, if he hadn’t have met me, if I hadn’t... I know logically, he would have had to confront himself eventually but still. It’s hard not to feel like it was my fault somehow.”

“I’m so sorry Sasha. Did you... love him?”

“Yes,” Sasha said, squeezing him a little tighter. “I did. And I still miss him. I wish he could have been happy.”

“I just... how do you do it? How are you ok with it?”

A warm hand cupped the back of his head and started stroking his hair slowly, and Leonid closed his eyes to listen to Sasha’s steady heartbeat, his own heart breaking a little at the slight shudder in Sasha’s breath. 

“I have to be ok with it, Lenya? What other choice is there? You must know, deep down, that you can’t change it.”

“But... don’t real homosexuals go after kids? If neither of us are like that, surely we can be normal.”

“That’s not true. It’s never been true, Lenya. It’s got nothing to do with kids.”

Leonid said nothing. He was so confused. Kissing Sasha had felt so right, so perfect. And feeling him hard against him had been more erotic than he’d ever imagined anything could be. Beyond that, being around him felt good. Better than good. He felt alive. Knowing Sasha cared about him, the way Sasha had held him when he’d had the panic attack, laying here with him now; he’d never felt so loved, so content. Could something that felt this pure really be so horrible? 

How could being happy be disgusting?

“Have you ever been with a man before, Lenya?” Sasha asked him softly. 

“No. I was with a girl once, at university. That’s all.” Leonid felt a blush creep up his face at the shame of his confession. His age, and practically a virgin.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“I... I was drunk, I had to be to even want to. And I could barely stay h-hard. Sasha... I didn’t even finish. I couldn’t. She was so pretty, but it didn’t matter. She said it was just alcohol and nerves and we gave up. But it wasn’t. It was never going to work, was it?”

Leonid’s cheeks burned brighter against Sasha’s chest. He’d never spoken of this to anyone, and Katya, thank god, hadn’t either. Yet as he’d begun speaking, he realised that he’d needed to share this with someone. It had been eating at him, this secret, and he knew Sasha wouldn’t mock him. The ball of tension he’d been carrying around with him his whole life had eased slightly and he felt the urge to tell Sasha everything, to finally unburden himself on someone who would understand and wouldn’t judge him.

“I used to think about men when I, uh, when I was alone, but I stopped letting myself and it didn’t feel good anymore, not like it used to, but when I was in your shower... god, Sasha, I’d forgotten it could feel like that. And on your sofa, when you kissed me, it was... like I’d come alive, all over my body. And then... fuck, I had no idea it could feel like that. How am I supposed to give that up, now I know what it can be like?”

“You don’t have to, Lenya,” Sasha said, a slight tremor in his voice. “You can feel like that again. With me, or with... with someone else. You deserve to be happy. To have someone.”

“But didn’t you say you had a girlfriend once? If you did it, why can’t I manage it?”

Sasha chuckled softly, the reverberations warm and rich against Leonid’s ear, and he unconsciously shifted closer to the warm comfort of Sasha’s body.

“No, I never had a girlfriend. I was talking about a man. When you live like this, you learn to hide it when you think it needs to be hidden.”

“Oh.”

They lay in comfortable silence for a while, Sasha’s thick fingers coming to intertwine with his own bony ones. It was a little uncomfortable but he enjoyed it anyway. He’d been right, he realised, about how comforting being held in Sasha’s arms was. How good his broadness and the layer of flesh over his muscles felt against his own angular frame. He was so... sturdy. Like his body was a reflection of his personality, dependable and strong, soft and inviting. Leonid wondered how much body hair he had. He knew his legs had a layer of dark hair covering them, but what about his chest? A little had been visible when he was wearing the robe, perhaps his chest was thick with it, maybe his belly too. Leonid found himself hoping he was right.

“Lenya I... I meant what I said earlier about having feelings for you.”

Sasha’s voice was steady but Leonid could hear the uncertainty lurking behind it. He felt restless, a warm energy in his chest threatening to overtake him. Sasha had feelings for him. Strong, handsome, steady Sasha. For skinny, weird, fucked up Leonid. His chest was going to burst with the joy of it.

“I think I might have feelings for you, too,” he whispered, and he felt Sasha exhale slowly. “I don’t know, I’ve not had feelings for someone before. But I... I feel like I need to be around you, all the time. You make me feel stronger. And when you started calling me Lenya, it was... amazing.”

He propped himself up and looked down into Sasha’s beautiful eyes, so full of affection for him. 

“I don’t know if I can do this, Sasha. I’m so scared. But not doing it... going back to- to being alone, trying to pretend. It hurts so much, trying to be different, always failing at it. I’m so tired of hating myself. I don’t think I can take it anymore. Not now. Not after...”

He trailed off, and a small smile appeared on Sasha’s lips, no less blinding for it’s size. Sasha cupped his cheek and he couldn’t help but lean into it, his face cradled perfectly in the broad palm. 

“May I kiss you, Lenya?” Sasha asked, and Leonid nodded, his eyes fluttering shut as the hand on his face guided him down into a gentle, loving kiss. Sirens screamed in his head as they had done before, a lifetime of self hatred was not going to be overcome in a day but it was easier than he’d expected to ignore in favour of how Sasha’s slightly chapped lips felt against his, how tenderly the thumb on his cheek was stroking his skin, and how sweet Sasha sounded when his breath caught in his throat.

He slung a leg over Sasha’s waist and clumsily pulled himself onto the older man, breaking the kiss with a strangled moan when their erections slid against each other. Sasha lay below him, panting and red-lipped, his face flush and his glasses askew. He looked beautiful. Trancelike, Leonid pulled the thick frames from Sasha’s face and placed them gently on the table next to his bed. 

“You’re really gorgeous,” he said, awestruck. “I mean, I always thought you were but here, like this...”

Sasha beamed at him and he grinned back shyly. He dipped his head to kiss him again, slow and soft, letting his thin fingers tangle in Sasha’s thick dark hair. He was hard, almost painfully so, and he wanted more in whatever form that may take. But he needed this too, sedate and meaningful, showing Sasha as best as he could that they were truly in this together. One of the large, strong hands he had so admired was holding his head, another rested on his lower back, the thumb rucking up his t-shirt and rubbing soothing circles into his skin. Sasha’s broad chest was against his own, and he was pressed into his soft belly, enjoying the way Sasha’s flesh gave beneath him. He couldn’t remember ever having felt happier or more at peace with himself. 

The kiss moved slowly from tender to exploratory, their tongues becoming bolder and Sasha’s hand gripping his hair a little tighter every time he involuntarily ground down against him. The fear that he had been managing to keep a rein on began rearing its head again and he fought frantically to suppress it, to not let it ruin his happiness again. But Sasha was hard against him, his body was unmistakably male, and the voice in his head was screaming louder and louder, telling him he was sick, evil, wrong.

“Lenya? Lenya, it’s ok. Please, look at me.”

He opened his eyes, surprised to find his vision blurry with tears. Sasha reached up and tenderly wiped his cheeks dry.

“Hey, it’s ok. We’re in this together, I promise. Talk to me, what’s the matter?”

“I’m scared. I just keep thinking that I’m... that I’m sick. I don’t know how to stop feeling like this.”

“Lenya... do you think I’m sick?”

Sasha’s face held concern but he hadn’t quite managed to conceal the hint of fear in his voice. Leonid leaned into the hand caressing his face and closed his eyes, letting the feeling of comfort wash over him.

“No... I don’t. I... I’m sorry, Sasha. I tried to think of you like that but how could I? You’re so... fuck, I don’t know. You’re just you.”

Sasha sighed, and Leonid kept his eyes closed, afraid of what he would see on his friend’s face.

“I don’t know how to help you, Lenya. You have no idea how much I wish I could.”

“I wish you could too,” he said forlornly. A horrible sense of finality and loss was creeping up on him, threatening to make him break down again. He didn’t know how to stop it. He rolled off Sasha and lay on his back, staring at the patch of damp on his ceiling as though the old brown stain held the answers he needed. Sasha’s hand found it’s way into his, and he couldn’t stop the tear from sliding down his cheek at the hesitancy he felt there.

“What do we do now, Sasha?”

“I don’t know.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still haven’t been able to steer these boys to bed properly, but I am successfully steering them towards happiness!

“Why the fuck can’t I just be happy? Why is this so difficult? I try and be something else, and I can’t, and I’m miserable. I try to do this, and I want to so badly, you have to believe me, but I can’t do it either and I’m miserable too. Fuck!”

Despair was quickly morphing into anger, at himself, at the stupid country he lived in for messing him up so much, at the army for the terrible hazing he’d endured, at his dad for the crap he’d put him through for being skinny and shit at sports and shit at drinking... at everyone and everything except Sasha. Hell, at Sasha too. How did Sasha end up so ok with himself? Sasha had been in love, he’d had sex that he’d enjoyed, he’d been happy. Leonid couldn’t even enjoy a damn kiss without losing his mind. And worse, Sasha had shown him what being happy could actually feel like. What enjoying someone else could feel like. It made the feelings of loneliness and failure so much more intense.

“What do you need from me, Lenya?” Sasha’s voice breached the ringing in his ears and he tried to calm himself. 

“I don’t know. I want this, you. Us. I do, honestly. You have to believe that. Please don’t... please don’t give up on me,” he said, vulnerability evident in his voice. Sasha tugged his hand until he was resting on that lovely broad chest again, and he fought back tears at the tender way Sasha nuzzled into his hair.

“I won’t, Lenya. But I’m scared that this will just end up hurting you. Hurting us both. I can’t take...”

Sasha trailed off, and Leonid didn’t push him. Sasha had every right to be wary, of course he did. Especially after he’d lost someone the way he did. He wished he could tell Sasha that he’d never do a thing like that, but in his darkest moments, the thought of ending it had crossed his mind. He had tried it, once. Shorty after Katya. The hopelessness of that one supposedly guaranteed fix leaving him just as incapable of change as before had torn at him and left him wondering if the only real cure for himself was taking his own life. He’d sat for hours on a rail bridge, trying to find the courage to jump and put an end to his endless failure, only to end up driving home, frozen to the bone and berating himself for his cowardice.

“I... I can’t change, Sasha. I know I can’t change, I’ve always known, really. But I just kept trying and trying and getting nowhere but... kissing you just felt so natural. Being with you, like this, it’s natural. Easy. I don’t have to try.”

“So... what stops you, Lenya? Tell me what goes on in your head.”

“I don’t know. It’s just... loud. Like I’m screaming at myself, I guess. Just keep thinking I’m sick and fucked up and it gets louder and louder until I can’t think about anything else.”

“Do you really believe that you’re sick?”

“No. Yeah. Fuck! I don’t know!”

He sat up and hugged his knees. Sasha sat up next to him, close enough they could lean on each other a little and radiating warmth. A thick forearm dusted with dark hair brushed against his own spindly limb, and he let himself stare at it, admiring the shape of the muscles and the obvious masculinity of it. Sasha really was gorgeous, he thought. He wanted to look at this arm, at all of him. All the times he’d caught himself looking at Sasha, he’d never once actually allowed himself to truly take him in, and he wanted to now. 

“I kept trying to tell myself I was jealous of you, you know? I wanted to look at you all the time. Kept trying to think it was because I wished I had your body,” he said, blushing to the tips of his ears. He looked over at Sasha and saw a similar blush on the rounded cheeks he’d so admired. “I mean, I do sort of wish that I was more masculine and, well, strong like you but... that’s not the only reason I wanted to look. Jealousy doesn’t feel like... that.”

He hesitantly placed his hand on Sasha’s forearm, feeling the satin texture of his hair and the thick muscles that gave it such a pleasing shape. Yeah, jealousy didn’t feel like this at all. His own insecurities were flaring but instead of wanting to take his hand away and try and forget how much better this part of Sasha’s body was than his own, he wanted to run his hand up it, into the sleeve of his t-shirt so he could feel his bicep. He wanted to feel those strong arms around him again, feel them holding him in place.

“I meant what I said before, Lenya. I really do like your body,” Sasha mumbled. Leonid laughed awkwardly, earning him a look of fond reprisal that he couldn’t help but grin back at.

“I want to be with you, properly. Together. If... if we go really slow and you’re patient with me... maybe I can work out how to let myself be happy. Would you... would you want to do that? With me?”

Sasha’s eyes, always so serious and sad, bored into him and he forced himself not to look away at the intensity of his gaze. 

“If you’re sure that this is what you want... and if you promise not to push yourself and to tell me whenever you’re struggling... then yes. I want to be with you too.”

“Do you think it would be ok if you kissed me now?”

The shy smile peaking from below Sasha’s moustache was beautiful, and as Sasha slowly pulled him in, he felt the tension begin to drain from him. The kiss was shy, chaste, and Leonid had never been happier.

——

They spent the day together, watching TV, eating lunch, learning how to interact with each other as more than friends. Boyfriends. The word still sent a strange thrill through his heart. He was terribly reluctant to let the older man leave but Sasha’s point that sharing a bed, however innocently, was not exactly ‘going slowly’ was valid and he wanted the day to end on a nice note, which the tender goodbye kiss to his lips and soft peck to his cheek certainly counted as.

He woke hard the next day after dreams of Sasha’s hands and arms and the promise of thick chest hair. His first instinct was to throw himself into his shower and let the cold water take care of it, pretend that he’d not gotten in this state because of a man and refuse to acknowledge how badly he wanted to touch himself. But, he was supposed to be trying to let himself have these thoughts, and he owed it to Sasha to try not give in to his darkness lingering at the edge of his mind. He owed it to himself.

With trembling hands, he pulled off his shorts and nervously wrapped a hand around his cock. The Sasha in his dream had been standing before him naked, unashamed of his thick body and the softness around his belly. He had never seen Sasha from the front so the details were a little fuzzy, but he knew what Sasha’s body felt like and it was enough for his mind to have filled in the blanks. Dream-Sasha had been hard too. Thick like the rest of him. He’d looked at Leonid with hunger and told him in that quiet, calming voice of his how much he loved him, how beautiful he thought his Lenya’s awkwardly shaped body was, how often he thought of him when he touched himself. Jolts of pleasure radiated from Leonid’s cock as his hand sped up, and he imagined Sasha stroking himself, telling him how beautiful he looked like this, his bony legs splayed across his sheets and his thin fingers gently probing his testicles. Sasha’s hand was moving faster now too, moaning and thrusting into his fist, telling him how much he wished it was Leonid’s own hand wrapped around him and how much he wished he was touching Leonid in return. 

“I’m so close, Lenya,” he said. “All because of you. Look at what you do to me, my Lenya.”

And that was all Leonid needed to be crying out and bucking up into his fist, his body arching off the bed and his eyes rolling back in his head as he came hard in several long spurts over his body.

He sank into the mattress, his body limp and deliciously satiated. His cock was still almost fully hard despite the strength of his orgasm, though so sensitive that even the loose grip of his hand was almost too much to bear. He felt exhausted and his legs were shaky and weak, as though he’d run up all ten flights of stairs to his flat. He lay, listening to his breathing slowly return to normal, waiting for the guilt and disgust to overtake him. But it didn’t come. Sure, there was an underlying current of it beneath the fog of pleasure, but he could still focus on how damn good he felt. How good Sasha had made him feel, however remotely. He grinned sleepily and stretched like a cat. Maybe he would be ok.

It was with that thought that he eagerly accepted Sasha’s invitation to come home with him after work, with the proviso that he go to his own place first to shower and change. When he reached Sasha’s flat, he was greeted with Sasha’s smiling face and a delicious smell coming from his kitchen.

“I decided to cook for us. Golubsti. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not! It smells great,” he said, feeling wonderfully warm inside at the idea that his boyfriend was cooking for him. It felt so domestic, something he’d never truly believed he’d experience. “Can I help at all?”

“No, don’t worry. Just go take a seat, it’s almost done. Do you want a drink? I have beer, or coffee if you’d prefer?”

Sasha seemed flustered, nervous, and it hit Leonid that this was a date. The nervousness was infectious, and he knew it was terribly obvious, thanks to his pale skin. But still, he made himself meet Sasha’s eyes with a smile. 

“Beer would be great, actually, thanks!” Sasha nodded and disappeared into the kitchen, returning with a bottle of Zhigulyovskoye for him.

“Honestly Lenya, you can go sit. Make yourself comfortable, please. Besides, Vaska missed you.”

Leonid did as he was told and tried to relax, which was difficult considering that he was sitting exactly where he and Sasha had first kissed, and where he himself had, well, lost it into Sasha’s trousers. His efforts at calm were however greatly aided by the arrival of Vaska, who rubbed against his leg for a moment before hopping on his lap and kneading at his thigh.

“Your babysitter is my boyfriend,” he whispered to Vaska, giddily. “He’s cooking for me!”

Before long, Sasha emerged with the food and his usual self deprecating smile.

“Sorry, I should have asked earlier, are you alright eating here? I don’t have a dining table, I never really have anyone over.”

“This is fine, honestly! You saw my place, I don’t even have a sofa. Besides, this means you can sit next to me.”

Sasha nodded awkwardly and set the plates on the coffee table, poking Vaska in the rump until he got off Leonid with an annoyed chirp. He settled himself next to Leonid, a respectful distance away, before immediately standing again.

“Oh! I’ll put a film on!”

As nervous as he was himself, Leonid couldn’t help but find this side of Sasha incredibly endearing. 

“I mostly have war films, but you mentioned Beware of the Car a while ago, I have that, if you’d like?”

“Yeah, it’s my favourite! But I thought you said you hadn’t seen it?”

Sasha blushed and avoided his eyes.

“Actually, I... uh... well, I bought it for you. Well, I bought it after you mentioned it, anyway. I’d been planning on asking you over to watch it with me.”

“But I told you about it months ago.”

“I’ve had it for a while,” Sasha mumbled, turning quickly to put the tape in the machine. Leonid felt like his heart was going to burst.

The food was delicious and after half the movie and two beers each, they had both calmed down enough to shift closer and closer until Leonid had slouched down so Sasha could throw an arm around his shoulder. By the time the movie ended, Leonid had half curled into Sasha, though he had kept an eye on the screen so he could excitedly announce whenever the best bit was coming up, which had been frequently. They watched the credits roll, and they found themselves left alone without any distractions. The silence between them was tense, but not uncomfortably so. Leonid felt a sense of promise, and he was sure that the new stiffness in Sasha’s posture was a sign that he felt it too. His hands had been in his lap but he brought one up to join with Sasha’s on his shoulder, and placed the other lightly on Sasha’s knee. 

“We don’t have to do anything, we can just sit here. You don’t have to push yourself.”

“I’m ok, honest. I’m happy. And I, um... ireallywanttokissyou.” His request came out far faster and quieter than the calm, collected image he was attempting to present, but it didn’t seem to bother Sasha, if the way he squeezed his hand and turned towards him was any indication.

“I want to kiss you too. But we go slowly, ok. Together.”

Leonid nodded, and let Sasha guide him into a sedate kiss. Sasha’s hands stayed on his shoulders, not venturing beyond safety, and not crushing their bodies together. It was sweet, he supposed, but the confidence in his abilities he’d gained from his session when he woke up was making him want more. Much more. He’d felt Sasha hard against him twice now, once on this very sofa, and he wanted to feel it again. He wanted to see Sasha’s chest, discover how hairy he was and touch him everywhere he could reach. Before Sasha had a chance to react, Leonid had climbed onto his lap and deepened the kiss, pushing his hips forwards to let Sasha feel just how comfortable with the situation he was. The answering moan and the arms wrapping around him spurred him forward and he began rocking slowly, needing friction and needing to feel that Sasha wanted him. 

“Fuck, sorry. I’m sorry. This isn’t going slowly,” Sasha mumbled against his lips. “We need to stop, Lenya.”

Leonid made a noise of protest as Sasha dragged him off his lap and back beside him on the sofa, feeling no small degree of rejection.

“But I want you! I can handle this, honestly!”

“Hey, it’s ok. We can take our time, we don’t have to rush into anything.”

“I’m not a child, I know what I want and I don’t need you patronising me!” Leonid snapped, hurt and disappointment rolling through him.

“Lenya, a few days ago you went running from here crying because things went too far. Yesterday you almost had a panic attack again. I think-“

“What, Sasha, what?” he demanded, standing from the sofa and pacing angrily. “What do you think? That I can’t handle kissing you? That I’m too fucked up to know what I’m ready for? That I need babysitting by you? Is that it?”

Leonid was furious now. A small part of him was desperately screaming that Sasha was right to be cautious, that he shouldn’t be acting like this, but it was drowned out by the intensity of his rage. 

“Stupid Lenya, shit at being normal, shit at being a faggot. Can’t even kiss his boyfriend without having a complete breakdown!”

Sasha stood now too and wrapped him in a crushing hug. He struggled for a moment and pushed at Sasha’s chest, before sagging against him and bursting into tears. The anger melted away and he was left only with despair at his own stupidity, terrified he’d ruined everything. Sasha steered them to his bedroom and pulled him onto the bed and tight against his chest, stroking his hair and kissing his crown.

“I’m- I’m s-sorry,” Leonid sobbed. He felt so guilty, Sasha was trying to help him and he’d just thrown it back in his face. He’d spoiled their lovely date, too, after all the effort Sasha had gone to. “I don’t... I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

Sasha didn’t say anything, he just kept holding him and letting him cry. Sasha was too patient, too kind. Leonid knew he didn’t deserve him at all, how could he? It was cruel of him to make this wonderful man put up with his nonsense, wanting Sasha was just plain selfish. He knew what he needed to do.

He started wriggling free and Sasha relaxed his hold, letting him sit at the edge of the bed. Sasha put a hand on his shoulder and he closed his eyes, fighting back tears.

“I’m... I’m gonna go. I’m sorry, Sasha. I really am.”

“Lenya... please, don’t go. I don’t want you to go.” Sasha sounded utterly broken and Leonid hated himself for it.

“You’ve got better things to be doing than trying to fix me. I’m sure there’s someone out there for you who’s less fucked up about himself.”

Sasha climbed off the bed and came to kneel in front of him, taking one of Leonid’s hands in his own. His eyes were wet with unshed tears, and Leonid felt his heart breaking at the sight of him.

“Listen, if you don’t want to do this anymore I... I’ll understand but god, Lenya, how could I want anyone else? I don’t want you to go.”

“But all I do is hurt you.” Sasha’s tears began rolling down his cheeks and Leonid reached to dry them. “See, I’m making you cry again.”

“I’m losing you, of course I’m crying. God, Lenya, I was so afraid when I said I wanted to be with you. I’ve not... I’ve not really let myself have feelings for anyone for a long time. I haven’t let myself get close to anyone.”

“So why me? Why did you say yes?”

“Because I can’t help myself when it comes to you. I tried so hard not to have feelings for you. Especially when I thought you weren’t... But I’ve had feelings for you for a long time. It doesn’t matter what I do.”

“A long time?” Leonid asked hesitantly in a small voice.

“Yeah. Is that... ok?”

“Yeah.”

A small smile appeared on his lips and he tugged Sasha’s hand, pulling him back onto the bed until they lay together again, Leonid’s head on Sasha’s chest where it belonged. 

“I, um...” Leonid began awkwardly. “I don’t want to leave. I thought I’d ruined everything.”

“You haven’t ruined anything. I know this is hard for you. But... it’s hard for me too. You know I don’t think you’re stupid, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m just... fuck, I’m just pissed off that being like this is so easy for you I guess. And embarrassed about myself. I’m sorry, it’s not your fault. I was being shitty.”

“I’m not going to pretend that you weren’t. But I understand.” Sasha sighed and began stroking his hair. “Lenya, can you promise me something?”

“Anything?”

“Try and believe that I want you. All of you. Even the hard parts.”

“I promise.”

They lay together for a while, and Leonid wondered if they would ever get to lay like that without it being caused by him having some sort of tantrum. He promised himself that he would make sure of it next time they got time alone.

“It’s getting late, Lenya,” Sasha said softly. “We have work tomorrow, you need your sleep.”

“Oh... yeah, ok.” Leonid reluctantly pulled himself from Sasha’s chest and balled up his courage. “You know, I, um... well, I have my uniform with me. And my toothbrush...” 

“You want to stay?”

“If... if it’s alright, yeah. I promise I won’t try anything!” He chuckled weakly and watched the gears turn in Sasha’s mind. Please let me stay, he thought. I don’t want to sleep alone. 

Sasha pulled him down into a kiss and he melted into it, still amazed at how wonderful it felt to have Sasha’s lips on his. He didn’t think he’d ever get bored of it.

“Is that a yes, then?”

“It’s a yes.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And still it grows! It’s also gone up to explicit. Enjoy!

He woke up with an arm slung possessively around his waist, and an erection against hislower back. His own twitched enthusiastically as he awakened enough to fully appreciate his surroundings. Sasha’s flat, Sasha’s bed, Sasha’s arm around his waist and Sasha hard against him. Sasha, his boyfriend. He tried to keep his breathing low and steady, and his eyes stayed tightly shut; a perfect imitation of sleep, should anyone be paying attention to him. He had no idea if Sasha was even awake but the chance that he might be, and that he might have to confront his feelings about this particular situation while still half asleep, was enough to convince him of the need to pretend.

Sasha grumbled behind him and pulled impossibly closer, nuzzling into the hair on the nape of his neck. Despite the twitch of the cock against him, the whole thing felt strangely innocent. Until, that was, Sasha’s hips slowly canted forward and his thick length was ground against Leonid’s bony arse. Leonid froze, all attempts at appearing relaxed and asleep futile in an instant.

“S-Sasha?” he said quietly, hesitantly.

The man made that same grumbling noise again and buried ever deeper into his neck, his hot breath sending goosebumps across Leonid’s body. Leonid squeezed the arm around his waist, and heard a noise that sounded like it could have been his name. He became slowly aware of a small patch of sticky damp on his skin, realising with a start that Sasha had  leaked  on him, even through the layers of both sets of pyjama trousers and briefs. Slick was beading at the tip of his own length too, he knew, and the urge to press his hand against himself to take the edge off the ache was strong. He squeezed the arm again, a little more frantically this time.

The harsh sound of Sasha’s alarm cut through the room and startled them both, Sasha jolting awake and cursing under his breath. Such a word falling from the lips of his usually calm and well spoken friend sent another burst of slick from his cock and he bit his lip as a tremor of desire went through him. He was far past the point of being able to will himself flaccid, he knew that now, and the soft, affectionate kiss Sasha placed sleepily to his neck as he leaned over the turn the alarm off did nothing to help.

As if still asleep, Sasha gripped his hip and pushed himself forward again, grinding himself slowly against Leonid’s body with a soft moan. Sasha froze and immediately scrabbled backwards, the cool air hitting the wetness he’d left behind and forcing a shudder from Leonid.

“Lenya! Sorry, I was... I shouldn’t have... I’ll get up now, sorry...”

Leonid didn’t need to see his face to know Sasha was blushing furiously. He rolled onto his side to face Sasha and grabbed his hand.

“Stay.”

They stared at each other, both holding their breath. Leonid didn’t know what had possessed him, but looking into Sasha’s eyes, he knew he could cope with whatever came next. Sasha would make sure of it. Slowly, as if afraid to break the spell they seemed suddenly to be under, Sasha disentangled their fingers to reached for him and grasped his hip. Leonid nodded and Sasha’s thumb slipped under his pyjama shirt and began rubbing small circles against the sharp bone. Leonid shuddered and fought the urge to close his eyes. It seemed infinitely important that he keep looking at Sasha.

Leonid gently unbuttoned Sasha’s shirt and slid his fingers into the thick, soft hair of his chest. The fingers on his hip dug in a little harder and Sasha’s eyes fluttered shut, allowing Leonid the opportunity to look down at the body he’d dreamed of for so long. Sasha was perfect. The dark hair covered his belly as thickly as it did his chest, and the extra weight he was carrying only made him look handsomer to Leonid. He couldn’t help the pulse in his cock as he took in the plumpness of his belly and the flesh on his waist and pectorals. His breath caught as he let his hand seek out and squeeze every inch he could reach, fascinated at the feel of stocky muscle beneath pillowy flesh. 

He wanted to speak, to tell Sasha how gorgeous he was, to tell him how sexy his body was, but he couldn’t. They were in this strange, wonderful bubble together and he knew instinctively that words would somehow ruin it. He kissed Sasha’s neck, inhaling the smell of him, shuffling forward clumsily until their erections brushed together. The voice started up in his head again, and he carried on anyway. It didn’t matter. Sasha was his, he was Sasha’s, and nothing else mattered in that moment. If this was sickness, let him be sick.

Sasha’s thumb slipped under his waistband, just enough to stroke the soft skin at the juncture of thigh and hip, careful not to go any further. The waistband of his trousers shifted, pinning the swollen head of his erection to his belly. He rocked forward, burying his head in Sasha’s neck at the intensity of it, rocking forward again when Sasha made a choked sound as Leonid’s fingers skimmed over his nipple. The hand moved to his lower back, pulling him closer and holding him steady as Sasha began to grind into him, slow and steady and confident. Leonid could feel he was close, his balls feeling heavy and tight, almost unbearable pressure forming behind his cock, but he couldn’t bear to come yet regardless of how intensely he could feel his body’s need for it. He had to stay like this, had to stay in their perfect moment, had to push his body to accept more and more pleasure. The hand on his back slipped a little lower and Sasha’s thick fingers hit the very top of his arse. He bucked forward in surprise. Nobody had ever touched him there, he hadn’t even gotten properly naked with Katya and she’d been on top of him anyway. The sensation of warm, calloused fingers against skin he now realised was even more terribly touch starved than the rest of him sent waves of relief through him, calming a part of him he didn’t even know was in distress.

Sasha was moaning softly now with every press of his hips, Leonid could feel the vibrations of it against his face from deep in Sasha’s throat. He grasped desperately at Sasha’s back, whimpering, achingly close, the need for release fast overwhelming his ability to hold back or focus on anything other than the dull ache in his balls. Sasha was surrounding him, filling his senses. It was too much, he was going to tip over at any moment.

“Oh... oh god, Lenya!” With one final hard rock against him, Sasha beat him to it and tensed, throwing his head back and shaking in his arms as he poured out his release between them. Leonid felt the warm wetness of Sasha’s release soak through their clothing and slick his own cock and he broke, digging his fingers into Sasha’s back and bucking forward with every pulse of pleasure that wracked him, his body demanding ever more sensation even as it became overwhelming.

They lay tangled together, breathing heavily, clinging to each other like anchors. Leonid felt drained, hollowed out even, exhausted despite having slept well with Sasha’s warmth for comfort. He kissed the stubbled skin of Sasha’s neck gently and the tension in Sasha’s muscles melted out instantly.

“You’re ok?”

“Yeah... yeah, I think I am. You?”

“Perfect. Thank you, Lenya. That was...”

“Yeah. It was.”

The alarm went off again and they both jolted, slipping easily into laughter. Leonid rolled over with a sigh and hit the alarm.

“Shit, we’re going to be late,” he said as he caught sight of the time.

“Not if you don’t mind skipping breakfast. And not if we’re both quick with the shower. I, um, don’t think we should skip that.” Sasha laughed awkwardly and Leonid grinned back at him.

The grin didn’t Leonid’s face for the first half of the day, even when Dyatlov called him a ‘gormless moron’. Sasha was substantially less obvious in his happiness, helped greatly by his habit of disappearing into his work, but there was still a lightness about him that Leonid noticed and it only made his grin bigger. 

It was at lunch, when Perevozchenko had spotted him smiling that things had started going down hill.

“Hey, look at you! Who put that smile on your face, eh? Some lucky girl finally turn you into a real man?”

Leonid hurriedly schooled his face into a more neutral expression but it was too late. The men were like sharks, they could smell blood a mile away, especially when it came to him.

“What’s that? Our little boy is all grown up?” Yuvchenko had caught the scent, and Leonid shrank a little into his seat.

“Oh look at him, he’s blushing! Hey, Gorbachenko! Brazhnik! Our Toptunov finally got some action!”

He was surrounded now, four of them all staring expectantly at him and waiting for a salacious story. About a woman. Not about his distinctly unfeminine supervisor. His chest tightened.

“Go on then!” Brazhnik said encouragingly. “What was she like? Did she enjoy your moustache?”

“Hey, there’s a way to get more hair on your lip my lad, rub it against some of hers!”

They all laughed uproariously at that, and Leonid couldn’t take it anymore. The cafeteria was too bright, the voices were too loud, his stomach was churning. He stood, wobbling on his feet, gripping the table with white knuckles.

“Hey, come on Toptunov, we’re only messing with you! We’re happy for you, honestly!”

“Fuck, he doesn’t look good. Toptunov? Leonid, are you alright?”

Leonid barely heard him, it was as though he was under water. The room was spinning, his stomach didn’t feel right at all. Neither did his head.

And then he threw up his lunch

“Oh shit, come on lad, let’s get you to the infirmary.”

He made his own way home after the nurse had finally waved him out of the room, muttering about stupid boys not taking proper care of themselves. The nausea had mostly passed, replaced by a dull throb in his head accompanied by a horribly familiar despair, and it was all he could do to collapse on his bed and bury his face into his pillow in a desperate attempt to block out his thoughts. He must have fallen asleep without realising as when he finally felt strong enough to lift his head from his pillow, it was an hour before his shift was supposed to end.

He rolled off the bed and changed out of his uniform, the nausea returning slightly when he realised it still had some sick on it. He felt numb. Exhausted. Another perfect time with Sasha, ruined by him. At least Sasha hadn’t been there to witness his humiliation this time. But enough people had, and there were bound to be rumours about him now. What sort of man reacts like that when asked about his conquests? Not a normal one with normal desires, that’s for sure. This was just like when his dad had thought he’d been going out with his female best friend at school. Everyone would realise he was messed up, and then what?

He absentmindedly began rubbing his ribs as an old ache settled in. What a damn mess. Leonid yanked open his fridge and grabbed the bottle of vodka that had been sitting there since he moved in. A housewarming gift from his sister.

“Thanks, sis!” he said bitterly, taking a swing of the harsh liquid and coughing as it burned his throat. Christ, he couldn’t even do this like a real man. Sasha was a real man though. He could grow a proper moustache, he had all that thick body hair too. He was quietly confident, he commanded respect without effort. He was everything a man should be. Didn’t matter that he was queer, did it? He could still manage to look and act like a normal man. Not like Leonid. Not like skinny, barely pubescent, pathetic little Leonid. He looked at his watch. Sasha would be finishing work soon, and he’d be home in less than an hour. He suddenly wanted nothing more than to see him. He pulled on his coat and stumbled out of his door, the bottle of Vodka still in his hand.

The walk to Sasha’s building took longer than it should have done, but his legs just didn’t seem to want to cooperate and he kept tripping over his feet. He’d almost dropped his bottle several times too, but thankfully it was still intact. He stood staring at the door panel, trying to remember which number was Sasha’s, when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Lenya? What are you doing here? They told me you got sent home sick, are you ok? I was going to call you when I got upstairs, I was worried about you.”

“Sasha! Sasha! You’re here! C’mon, let’s go upstairs!”

“Are you drunk? What’s that in your hand?” Sasha snatched the bottle from him before he even realised what was happening. “God, Lenya, have you drunk all of this? Right, come on, let’s get you some water, ok?”

“I don’t want water, I want you,” he mumbled, slumping against the wall. “Why’s my bottle empty?”

Sasha just sighed and leaned past him to open the door.

——

“Y’know what they said to me? Sasha? Y’know what they said? They said I’d become a man!”

“Here, drink this. But slowly, ok? Small sips. I’m gonna get you something to eat, stay here.”

Sasha pressed the glass of water into his hand and Leonid looked at it, confused.

“‘S vodka?”

“No, love, it’s water. Drink it for me, please?”

He did as he was told, spilling some down himself and laughing hysterically. Sasha gave him a reproachful smile and left the room, returning with a plate of sliced bread.

“Here, this should dry you out a bit. Why did you drink so much, Lenya? You were sick earlier, your body doesn’t need alcohol right now.”

“Does,” he said stubbornly, snatching a slice of bread. “Peroz- Pevro- fuck! Val’ry wanted to know why I was smilin’. Thought it was ‘cause I’d been with a girl.”

Sasha sighed and sat next to him on the sofa and began rubbing his back.

“I’m sorry, Lenya.”

“‘S not your fault.”

He fumbled with the glass until Sasha took it from him and placed it on the table. He clumsily buried his head into Sasha’s chest and let Sasha stroke his hair. Lovely Sasha. Big, strong, perfect Sasha. Leonid slid off the sofa onto his knees and looked blearily at him.

“You’re my boyfrien’.”

“Yes, I am.”

“‘S good. ‘S very good.” He put his hands on Sasha’s knees and dragged himself to between his legs. “‘S very, very good. Wanna make you feel good.”

He began pawing at Sasha’s belt, whining in protest when his hands were pulled away.

“Come on Lenya, I think it’s time for you to get some sleep.”

“Already slep’. Don’ wanna sleep. Wan’ this.”

“No you don’t, love. You’re drunk, you’re upset.”

“C’mon, jus’ lemme suck you off. Please? Ev’ryone’s gonna know I’m a faggot now anyway. Jus’ lemme do it, lemme be good for you.”

He grabbed Sasha’s soft cock through his trousers and yelped as Sasha stood to his feet, knocking him off balance.

“Why don’ you wan’ me?!”

Sasha said nothing, but reached down to pull him to his feet. He wobbled for a moment as the room span, and suddenly realised he didn’t feel right at all.

“Sasha ‘m be sick.”

“Ok, come on, I’ve got you!”

Sasha hurried him into the bathroom just in time for Leonid to launch himself at the toilet and begin violently emptying his stomach. Sasha knelt next to him and stroked his back soothingly as he retched and sobbed apologies. A cool, damp cloth appeared on the back of his neck at some point, and eventually he felt himself being moved and laid down on a soft, flat surface. The last thing he was aware of before darkness claimed him was a tender kiss being placed on his forehead.

——

The first thing he realised was how badly his head was pounding. The second was that he absolutely needed to be sick immediately. He flopped his head over the edge of the bed, infinitely thankful for the small bucket he found there, and began dry heaving violently. He had honestly never felt worse in his life. 

Somewhere in the background, he heard a door open and a soothing voice began telling him he was ok as his body shuddered and tried to expel his entire collection of internal organs. Something cool swiped over his forehead and neck, the blankets were tugged free of his sweaty body, and he was gently manoeuvred into a sitting position, the still empty bucket on his lap.

“I’m gonna die,” he sobbed pathetically. Though whether it was was something he was afraid of or hoping for at that point he couldn’t be sure.

“No you’re not, you’re ok. Keep breathing nice and slow for me. Do you think you can drink a little water for me?”

He nodded, and a glass was brought to his lips, allowing him a small sip so as not to overwhelm his terribly fragile system. His stomach clenched angrily around the intrusion but he thankfully kept it down, and he was allowed a little more.

“Sorry, I can’t let you drink too much in one go. When you finish this, you can lie back down again, ok?”

He grunted his assent and so he sat for a while, slowly being given water and leaning against Sasha’s sturdy frame for support. When the glass finally ran empty, he was laid back down and tucked into the bed again.

“Try and go back to sleep, ok? Call me if you need anything.”

He awoke again sometime later. His head was still throbbing and his whole body seemed to have cramp, but he didn’t feel any where near as much like throwing up as he had before. Which he supposed was an improvement. Fuck, what had happened to him? He remembered opening the vodka, and he knew he’d seen Sasha at some point, but everything else was a blur. He had a sinking feeling that he would probably happier if everything remained a blur. He called out for Sasha, embarrassed at how weak his voice was but more embarrassed at the hint of slur that still remained.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Sasha said softly as the door opened. “How’re you feeling?”

“Better. Shit, but better.”

Sasha chuckled and came to sit next to him, running his fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and pushed into the touch. So soothing, as always. Sasha was something of a master at helping him feel better.

“If you’re up for it, I think we need to get some food into you. Nothing much, just some soup. You barely ate yesterday and what you did, well...”

He nodded and Sasha helped him up. The ache in his muscles was worse now he was moving and his head was protesting terribly at being so far from the ground, but the strong arm wrapped around his waist to steady him as they moved slowly to the sofa kept him upright until he was gently lowered down.

“Thanks, Sasha. I’m sorry about... well, whatever happened yesterday. Or today. Fuck, what time is it?”

“It’s about halfway through our shift. It’s ok!” he said, quickly cutting off Leonid’s distress. “I phoned up, I told them you were still sick. I was lucky, I got Sitnikov. He knows you don’t have family here, he said I should make sure you’re alright.”

“You didn’t have to do that, honestly!”

“Yes I did, Lenya. Don’t argue. I’m going to get you some soup, just relax, ok? There’s more water on the table if you need it.”

“Actually, um... would it be ok if I brushed my teeth?”

“You’re lucky you forgot your toothbrush yesterday,” Sasha chuckled, helping him to his feet. “Will you be ok by yourself?”

“Yeah... yeah, I think so.”

Sasha squeezed his shoulder affectionately and he made his way to the bathroom. Standing had made him terribly aware of how desperately he needed to piss and it was worth the risk of making himself feel sick again to move faster than his body would have preferred. After what felt like an age, and after a very close call when his fingers fumbled with his fly for too long, he leaned against the wall and moaned in relief as he emptied his bladder into the toilet. It was then that he realised he was wearing pyjamas. Sasha must have redressed him at some point. Which meant Sasha must have seen him naked. Considering that Sasha had almost certainly seen him in the changing rooms at least once, it shouldn’t have felt that mortifying, but there was something very different about a passing glance at work compared to being undressed and having Sasha’s focus entirely on him. He cursed. The first time Sasha ever saw him properly naked and it was when he was passed out drunk like an idiot. Of course it was. It was at that moment that a hazy recollection of pawing at Sasha’s crotch swept through his mind. He cursed again, louder his time.

“Lenya? Are you ok in there?”

“Uh... yeah... yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a bit.”

He set to brushing his teeth and giving himself a quick wash in the sink. He owed Sasha even more of an apology than he thought he did. Though, Sasha was still being his usual caring self so maybe he hadn’t done too much damage. Surely even Sasha wouldn’t be this nice out of obligation if he was angry at him. Everything was going to be ok.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahoy!

The remains of the hangover still lingered in his system, but Leonid found he didn’t mind too much as he sat leant against Sasha with the cat on his lap. It was that lovely domestic feeling he’d experienced before, and he couldn’t get enough of it. This is what he’d truly been denying himself, he realised. It wasn’t just about wanting to have sex with a man, it was about being able to love a man, to have these moments with someone. It was the sex that he’d always been told was wrong, nobody had even thought to condemn the idea of him having a relationship with another man because people just... didn’t seem to think it was possible. He himself was as guilty of that as anyone else. But Sasha and him, well, they were together. Sasha cared about him, had feelings for him even, and he could honestly say he had feelings that went far beyond sexual for Sasha.

“I’m sorry, about what I did,” he said quietly.

“Hey, it’s ok. You apologised already, Lenya, don’t worry about it.”

“No, not about getting drunk like that. Well, yes about getting drunk but... I’m sorry about getting all pushy with you. I just wanted to... fuck, I don’t know why I did that. But I am sorry.”

“Lenya, it’s ok,” Sasha sighed. “You were in a state, I don’t hold it against you. But I think you do need to tell me why you got so drunk.”

Leonid snuggled closer to Sasha and squeezed his hand. It was difficult to explain, he wasn’t even entirely sure himself.

“They thought I’d had sex. Which I suppose I had, sort of, but they wanted to hear about it. They thought it was with a woman. And I just... shut down. And then I got upset, because I’m not ever going to have stories to tell, am I? I can’t ever say I have someone. I dunno, I just... started thinking about how shit I am at handling stuff like this. Thinking about some family stuff too I guess. And I just wanted to drink.”

“It’s ok, Lenya. It is hard,” he said kindly, kissing Leonid’s forehead. “Do you want to talk about the family stuff?”

“Not now. Maybe someday. If that’s alright?”

“Of course it is. I told you, we do this at your pace and we do it together. That includes things like this.”

Leonid smiled and kissed Sasha’s cheek. Everything was ok.

——

He spent the night again, curled up comfortably in Sasha’s arms. He never thought he’d get tired of the feeling of security he got from being held like this. Exhausted as he was, though, he was struggling to fall asleep. It had occurred to him that so much of their relationship, even before it became something more, was about Sasha looking after him. He never seemed to be doing the same for Sasha. Maybe Sasha just didn’t need as much looking after than him, but Leonid began to worry that Sasha was too invested in being strong for him that he was keeping his own problems hidden. He didn’t want it to be this uneven, either. He was an adult, he should be able to function without leaning on another person as much as he was.

“What’s up, Lenya?” Sasha said quietly, kissing the back of his neck.

“How did you know I was awake?”

“I can hear you worrying. Come on, what’s up?”

He sighed. “I was just thinking... you’re so good at sorting me out when I get messed up and you’re always trying to make me feel better and...”

“Yes?”

“I wanna look after you too. You don’t have to... I dunno, be strong for me or something. I don’t wanna be weak all the time either. And... and if I’ve been an arsehole, I want you to tell me. Get angry at me if you want! Don’t let me get away with stuff because you’re worried about me.”

Leonid rolled to face Sasha, thankful the darkness was hiding his blush as he remembered the last time they’d lain like this. He brushed a kiss over Sasha’s lips, determined to be the initiator for once. He wanted them to be equals.

“Lenya... you were an arsehole yesterday. You need to find a better way of dealing with your problems than turning up at my flat wasted and throwing up in my toilet. It wasn’t fair on me, and I don’t like seeing you like that. But... I do understand. So I’m not angry at you. Ok?”

“Perfect.”

He moved in for another kiss, letting Sasha roll them so he was laying atop the older man. God he loved kissing him. The way his moustache brushed against his lip, the soft noises he would make, it was perfect. And being like this, pressed against him, it was impossible not to get turned on.

“What do you want, my Lenya?”

“I’m not sure,” he said, blushing terribly at Sasha referring to him as ‘his’. “I, um... I think I wanna do something but... I feel bad about wanting to do it. Does that make sense?”

“We don’t have to do anything,” Sasha said softly, kindly.

“But... that’s the thing. If I keep... not doing things because I feel guilty or I start freaking out or something, I don’t think I’m ever gonna do anything. I want you and I want... I want to, um...”

Fuck, he couldn’t even say it, how was he supposed to do it? He’d been like this his whole life, it had always been difficult to talk about anything to do with sex. Presumably because he’d always associated sex with being dirty and wrong, considering where his interests had lain, but now he was trying to actually let himself have these wants and he still couldn’t speak.

“Can I just... show you? Maybe?”

“Ok. But if you feel like you need to stop-“

“Yeah, yeah. I know. Just... let me do this, ok?”

Sasha nodded and pulled him in for a kiss and he moaned into it, relieved at no longer having to speak. He could feel Sasha’s growing interest against him, and it both aroused and terrified him. He rolled off Sasha, silencing his question with another kiss, and slowly inched his hand down Sasha’s body. When he finally reached his trousers, he took a deep breath and placed his hand on Sasha’s cock.

“Lenya...” Sasha breathed.

Leonid swallowed and squeezed gently. He’d felt Sasha against him before but he’d never actually felt him, not like this. He could feel the exact shape of him through the thin fabric. He had another man’s cock in his hand. He squeezed again, and Sasha cursed softly. This was for him. He’d made Sasha hard. And now he was touching him. Pawing at another man like...

No. No, he wasn’t going to let himself finish that thought. This was ok. He was enjoying this. He was allowed to enjoy this.

He tugged at the trousers until Sasha helped slide them off. Closing his eyes, he took Sasha in his hand properly and stroked him once. It felt so different to his own. Thicker, though a little shorter. Just like Sasha. He chanced opening his eyes and felt his cock pulse at the sight of his hand curled around Sasha. Even in the darkness, he could make out Sasha’s thick thighs and the nest of black curls around the base of his cock. He breathed in, and a musky smell hit him. Fuck, that was Sasha. He could smell how aroused he was.

“Lenya... Lenya please,” Sasha said breathlessly. Leonid stroked him again, slow and steady. There was a cock in his hand. He was jerking off another man. There was a cock in his hand. He was actually doing this. Degrading himself, showing his true colours as a filthy little-

Sasha groaned and rocked up into his fist, and he scrabbled to sit up so he could see him properly. His head was thrown back, an arm was draped over his eyes, his fist was balled up in the sheets and clenching rhythmically. Leonid released him, quickly unbuttoning Sasha’s shirt and pulling it away, leaving the man utterly naked before him. He’d seen him a little already but this was different. Now he could see all of him. He was spectacular. All thickness and hair and pure masculinity. Leonid dropped his head to his chest and inhaled the smell of him, rich and warm, and let the surprisingly soft hair tickle his face. 

“Fuck, Sasha,” he said, voice choked with awe. “You’re gorgeous.”

Sasha shifted under his gaze. “You really... you don’t mind that I’m overweight?”

“You’re amazing. Perfect.” 

Leonid’s free hand came up to trail across Sasha’s body. There was far more room to explore him then there had been before, and he had to take advantage of it, touching all he could reach and moaning at the give of his flesh. He really was gorgeous.

He sped his hand up, watching the red tip of Sasha’s cock sliding through his fist, amazed that he was actually doing this. It was surreal. He gave a slight twist of his hand on an upstroke and Sasha made a wonderful choked noise. 

“So good, Lenya, Don’t stop.”

Sasha’s voice was breathless and needy, and despite the ache beginning in his wrist at the unfamiliar angle, he sped up, squeezing a little tighter. His hand was getting wet with Sasha’s precome and he was beginning to make the same soft moans he had shortly before he came when Leonid had first stayed over. Sasha propped himself up on his elbows and looked down the length of his body at Leonid’s hand around him. Leonid faltered slightly, there was something very intimate about Sasha actually seeing him do this, and the tremor it sent through him made his cock ache.

“Lenya... oh god... I’m.. ah!”

Leonid felt Sasha’s cock swell and begin to pulse as Sasha shot thick white streaks over his belly and chest. More was oozing down his fingers as he instinctively slowed his hand and tightened his grip. He felt his whole body condense down to a dull ache in his belly, and with his hand still wet with Sasha’s seed, he shoved it down his trousers and pulled himself off in a handful of rough, wet strokes, collapsing forward onto Sasha as he fucked his hand through his release.

Were it not for the hand gently shaking his shoulder he probably would have fallen asleep quite happily, draped over Sasha’s belly. He sat up, it taking considerable effort to make his limbs function properly, and grinned at Sasha, wiping the look of concern from his face.

“Lenya, that was amazing. You’re amazing. Come here.”

He let himself be pulled into a kiss. He’d done it. He’d actually done something real with a man. He’d made another man cum. And he’d only freaked out a little! He could do this, he could make Sasha happy.

His joy was tempered slightly by the sticky feeling in his underwear, on his hand, and somehow on his chest. He looked down, realising that he must have collapsed in Sasha’s mess. The realisation he had another man’s cum all over him took the breath out of him, and he closed his eyes for a moment. It wasn’t disgusting. He wasn’t disgusting. He hadn’t degraded himself. He was fine. He would be fine.

Sasha put a reassuring hand on his arm and he grabbed it with his clean hand.

“‘M alright. Just got a bit inside my own head for a moment me. I think I’m ok. Can we... can we clean up? My shirt’s starting to stick to me.”

Sasha blushed a deeper red than his already rosy post-orgasmic flush and Leonid let himself get lost in his awkward smile.

——

With nothing other than a toothbrush at Sasha’s house, he had had to wake early to sprint back to his house to hurriedly get ready for work, but he considered it worth it to get to spent the night with Sasha again. Work was less eventful, Perevozchenko seemed genuinely concerned about his health and he only received mild teasing about his weight from everyone else. To his surprise, he’d managed to make it through the day without staring at Sasha overmuch or grinning like an idiot.

By unspoken agreement, he returned to his flat alone. It felt weird to be back in his own bed again, despite not being gone long. He felt as though he were returning as a completely different person. Which, he supposed he was. The old Leonid was the one who drank a bottle of vodka without realising it. The new Leonid could touch his boyfriend without losing his damn mind.

And god, how wonderful it had been to touch him, his gorgeous body, his thick cock. Leonid didn’t know all the details of what men did together but some of the slurs against homosexuals that he’d heard had been specific enough that he had an idea. And he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to suck Sasha’s cock. Or have Sasha suck his cock. Or... god, he wasn’t sure he could actually think that far ahead yet. Sex between men was supposed to degrading, especially oral sex and very especially the other stuff. It was supposed to be about violence, a stronger man using a weaker man. But... it hadn’t been like that with Sasha at all. He might have been the one pleasuring Sasha the night before, but he had definitely felt like he was the one in control. And Sasha really didn’t look unhappy about taking a more submissive role. Leonid thought that he wouldn’t much mind being in that position himself. And when he thought about doing more with Sasha, he couldn’t imagine it as anything less special than what they’d already shared. 

“Ugh, I sound like a girl,” he said to his empty room.

Still though... sex with Sasha so far HAD felt special. He was, if he was really honest with himself, maybe just a bit in love with him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this is basically just pure smut but I have some major SAD planned for the final chapter (though there will be a happy ending, I promise!) and I think we could all use something nice before then.

It was two more days until he found himself standing outside Sasha’s door again. A hushed conversation at work had lead to an agreement not to spend all their time together, lest anyone start noticing and asking questions. He didn’t like it, but he knew he had to get used to the need for secrecy. For both their sakes. It felt like an age passed between ringing Sasha’s bell and Sasha letting him in, and as soon as the door closed behind him, he had his lips planted firmly on Sasha’s.

“God, I missed you,” he said when he finally pulled away.

“You’ve seen me at work!”

“I know, that just makes it harder. I can’t kiss you at work.”

Sasha laughed and pulled him in for another kiss. “I missed you too.”

Leonid took his place on the sofa while Sasha went into the kitchen, returning with varenyky. 

“Just the frozen ones from the shop I’m afraid. Drink?”

“Still, they smell good though! And, um, I think I’ll give the alcohol a miss tonight. I don’t think my body has fully recovered from last time.”

Sasha chose the movie this time, some historical war thing. And once again, Leonid found himself on the sofa, eating food his boyfriend had cooked him, and sharing a nice, quiet time together. The addition of the cat hopping on his lap as soon as he’d put his bowl on the table was the final piece of the puzzle, and he honestly couldn’t say he’d ever felt more at peace with himself.

The movie was a bit boring, and he’d never actually heard of the Siege of Corfu anyway, but it was fun watching Sasha get into it and his enthusiasm when explaining bits that Leonid found confusing was hard not to find endearing. When the credits rolled, they simply sat and talked, sharing details of their lives. When Sasha mentioned he was an only child, Leonid reflexively glanced over at the picture of the young man he’d presumed to be a sibling. Sasha followed his gaze and frowned.

“Ah. You noticed the photo, then?”

“Yeah. Who is it? I figured he had to be a brother but...”

Sasha sighed and Leonid tensed. “He’s the man who killed himself. Tolya.”

“Oh.”

They sat silently for a while, Sasha looking terribly uncomfortable and Leonid not sure how to feel. On the one hand, he understood the need to keep a photo around of someone you loved who’d died. On the other... well, Sasha had a framed photo of someone he’d been in love with in a prominent position on his wall, next to his parents. 

“Do you...” he started, before trailing off, unable to finish the thought.

Sasha took his hand and squeezed it gently in reassurance. “I loved him. And I still love him, Lenya. I always will. But I keep that photo of him to remind me not to let myself feel bad about what I am. To remember what guilt and self hatred can do to a person. I’m not... I’m not still hung up on him, if that’s what is worrying you.”

“No! No, not at all!” Leonid said quickly. “Well, actually. Yeah, maybe a bit. I just... this is more than sex, isn’t it? Us, I mean.”

“Of course it is, Lenya.”

“Good. Because it’s sort of becoming a bit... well, it’s not just sex for me. It’s important. Not that the sex isn’t great. I mean, I know we haven’t done much yet but what we have...”

He blushed vividly and Sasha brought his hand up to his mouth to kiss it gently. “It’s important to me, too. You’re important to me.”

“I’ve not... you know, been out with anyone before. Or really had feelings for anyone, not since...”

He lapsed into a small coughing fit, as if his body was trying to protect him from his mouth. Sasha, unfortunately, was not distracted.

“Not since when, Lenya? You can tell me.”

“Since I was a teenager. Can I just leave it at that, please? It’s not really something I like to talk about.”

Sasha looked at him, and Leonid could see that he was trying to decide whether pushing or dropping it would be more in Leonid’s interest.

“Is it related to the family stuff you didn’t want to talk about the other night?”

He so desperately didn’t want to go picking at this particular scab. But Sasha had revealed his old wounds, hadn’t he? And maybe... maybe it would help him heal. Maybe it would help him close the door on everything. And maybe it would make it easier for him to let Sasha touch him.

“Fuck, I... there was a boy. A neighbour a couple of years older than me. He was... beautiful. Popular. Everything I wasn’t. I don’t think I even had real feelings for him, I barely knew him, but I was really mad for him. And I couldn’t hide it. Fuck Sasha, you remember being 14? It’s not exactly easy to be subtle about stuff like that when you’re full of hormones, is it? We were playing football, the neighbourhood kids, and he took his shirt off and I just froze and stared at him. I ran home, I didn’t think anyone noticed but...”

He trailed off. Sasha pulled him against his chest and began stroking his hair, trying to soothe him.

“My dad saw. I didn’t even know he was there. He waited until my mum had to go to work to tell me. It was just us in the house.

He sniffed, tears beginning to fall despite his best efforts. He’d never told anyone this, not his mum, not his sister, not a soul. The emotional pain was almost as fresh as it had been in that horrible moment and the ghost of physical pain made him shift in Sasha’s arms, trying to hold himself tight enough to keep his body intact. But he’d started now and he needed to finish.

“He... my ribs were broken. Three of them. Maybe a fourth, I don’t know, he didn’t take me to hospital, just checked me over when he was done. Rest of me was bruised really badly. Not my face though, he didn’t want mum or my sister to see. He said it was for my own good. He was beating it out of me, he said. Didn’t work though, did it? But, I never let myself look at anyone again. Not... not until you.”

“Oh, Lenya. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry he did that to you, that never should have happened. You didn’t deserve it,” Sasha said, squeezing him tighter and kissing his hair. “You’re safe now. You’ll always be safe with me.”

Leonid let the tears fall freely, carrying with them years worth of hurt and shame. Sasha kept him close through it all, holding him as he let go, letting him cry as he’d long denied himself. It was freeing, to have finally told someone. Sasha would help him carry this burden now, just as he would help Sasha with his.

“I love you,” he said, sitting up to wipe the tears from his face. “And I’m not just saying that because I’m upset. I love you. I’m in love with you, and I know it hasn’t been long but I think I have been for ages, before anything happened between us, and I... well, I just wanted to tell you that.”

Sasha looked at him with shining eyes and a small smile, boyish smile of awed disbelief. “You love me?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I, uh... I do. If that’s alright,” he said, shifting in his seat, heart pounding. 

“Of course it’s alright! I love you too, how could I not? You’re wonderful, Lenya. Perfect. Don’t argue, you are. At least to me, even if you don’t see it yourself. Come here.”

And with that, Leonid was pulled into a kiss that said more than words ever could. The world fell away until it was just the two of them, neither even noticing the cat hopping to the floor with a disgruntled mew as they pulled closer to each other. What started as an expression of emotion quickly turned heated. A dam had broken within Leonid, he felt freer than ever before and hesitation and fear seemed impossibly weak against the strength of his emotions and his need for Sasha. He pulled himself into Sasha’s lap, desperate for more contact. Sasha seemed bolder, less afraid of accidentally pushing Leonid too far, and he squeezed his hips a little roughly as he ground up into him. Leonid was surprised at how good it felt to be manhandled. He was making Sasha’s self control slip and it was painfully arousing. He ground down into him, whining as he realised that he couldn’t get enough contact with the way his erection was trapped in his jeans. Sasha broke the kiss, gasping for breath.

“Lenya... god, you have no idea how long I wanted you.”

The words went straight to Leonid’s cock and he let his head fall back in pleasure. “Keep... keep talking to me.”

“You were so beautiful, I... I used to look at you and imagine how I could touch you,” he said, pausing to kiss Leonid’s neck, sucking at his Adam’s apple.

Leonid moaned, Sasha’s words were enough that he was a little worried he’d spend in his underwear like a teenager, without even being touched. “Fuck, Sasha... did you... t-touch yourself? Thinking about me?”

“I tried not to, but sometimes... god, you were all I could think about. I wanted you so badly.”

Leonid dropped his head to lick at the sensitive skin just behind Sasha’s ear, feeling the vibrations from the low moan it produced go through his body.

“In your shower... I was thinking about you. Watching me. And the morning after you left my flat, I couldn’t help it. I woke up so... fuck, it felt so good, Sasha.”

Sasha pulled him down for a hungry kiss, forceful and full of need. “Bed... we can do this in bed.”

Leonid nodded and scrambled off Sasha’s lap, wincing as his cock became trapped at an awkward angle in his trousers and blushing furiously as he turned away to rearrange himself. He swallowed nervously as Sasha took his hand and lead him to the bedroom. This felt far more like an actual event than their previous encounters. It wasn’t spontaneous fumbling, it felt bigger than that. He didn’t know what was going to happen next, but something about letting Sasha control the situation was infinitely appealing to him. 

“Are you ok?” Sasha asked softly. The bedroom was dark, Leonid couldn’t see his eyes, but he knew he’d see that wary affection in them if he could.

“Yeah... yeah, I think so. What, um, what now?”

“What do you want?” Sasha’s voice was a little deeper and huskier than usual and it occurred to Leonid that though he was trying to sound calm, Sasha was aroused, wanting him badly enough it was affecting his composure.

“I don’t know. I want... I want you to be in charge,” he said, hearing a waver in his voice. “Please, Sasha?”

Sasha contemplated in the dark for a moment before turning on a lamp beside his bed. He caught Leonid’s hand again and pulled him in for a kiss, stroking his knuckles down Leonid’s flush cheek.

“Bed,” he whispered, pulling himself back from Leonid’s lips just enough to be able to speak. “Lay down for me, Lenya.”

Leonid obeyed, cursing himself for the tremble in his fingers and the tightness in his chest. Sasha climbed on next to him and kissed his cheek, earning a nervous laugh.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

“It’s ok, just keep talking to me, ok?”

Leonid nodded and Sasha moved to lay atop him, between legs that fell open naturally. Their erections collided again and he shuddered as Sasha’s lips joined his. Sasha’s tongue slid into his mouth, tangling with his own, guiding him. A strong hand slid under his t-shirt and glided over the ridges of his ribs. He was overly aware of how much like a starved dog he looked, but Sasha didn’t falter, sliding all the way up until he could drag his thumb over Leonid’s nipple.

“Yes?” Sasha whispered against his lips.

Leonid nodded frantically, and the kiss resumed as Sasha gently teased at his nipple, moving his tongue in sequence with his thumb. He cursed in frustration when Sasha pulled away, but it was only to strip Leonid of his t-shirt before dropping back down to kiss his neck, his collarbone, and down to his nipple.

“Fuck, Sasha!”

Leonid’s back arched as Sasha licked and nipped at his nipple, shockwaves going through his body at the unfamiliar sensation.

“You’re gorgeous, Lenya,” Sasha said against the hard peak, echoing Leonid’s own sentiments towards him. “I still can’t quite believe I’m touching you like this.”

Leonid tugged at Sasha’s shirt, and Sasha sat up to strip it off, before coming down to kiss him again. The feeling of Sasha’s thickly haired chest and stocky body against his bare skin was divine, like nothing he ever could have imagined. He grasped at Sasha’s back, desperate for more contact. Sasha’s shoulders were so much broader than his own, and being pinned like this was far more exciting that it should have been. Normal men didn’t want to be pinned under stronger men, normal men didn’t want to be touched like this, something was wrong with him, he was fucked up.

“Lenya? Hey, come back to me, what’s up?”

“Sorry... sorry I just- fuck, I’m sorry.”

Sasha kissed his forehead and rolled off him. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s ok. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No... no, I want to keep going. Don’t ask me if I’m sure. I’m tired of making myself unhappy. I want you, I want you to touch me. Please?”

Sasha wiped a tear from his cheek that had apparently escaped without his notice and held his gaze for a moment. 

“Lenya, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t. Honestly, I... I can’t change who I am. What I am. And... and I don’t want to, not anymore. I love you. I want you. I’m gonna keep having these moments but I don’t want them to control me. I want to be happy, Sasha and I’m happy with you, I’m happy when we’re doing this and the shitty thoughts I keep having don’t get to ruin that for me.”

Sasha kissed him with such tenderness that another tear slipped from his eye. He felt loved. He’d never imagined himself to be on the receiving end of this much care, and had doubted that he was even capable of feeling it himself. He pulled at Sasha until the older man was atop him again, and let himself relish the feeling of being pushed into the mattress by his weight. He felt protected, safe. As if he were cocooned. Sasha shifted slightly and his chest hair brushed against his nipple, and he bucked up. What hardness his erection had lost after his wobble was rapidly returning, and he could feel that Sasha was hard for him too.

“What do you want, beautiful man?” Sasha asked, stroking his side. “What do you want me to do for you?”

Leonid swallowed, determined to speak. “I want... could you... with your mouth?”

He felt the blush heat his face, but Sasha’s hungry moan at his words and the lips fastening to his collarbone were distraction enough from any awkwardness.

“I’ve wanted that so much, Lenya. I’ve thought about it, about what you’d taste like,” Sasha said, kissing slowly down his body.

Leonid shuddered. “Oh god!”

“I wanted so badly to make you feel good. I used to imagine what you’d sound like if I touched you like this. Whether you’d be loud or quiet, if you’d say my name. I... I never thought I’d have you. I never thought I’d be lucky enough.”

Leonid stroked Sasha’s hair as he nuzzled at his belly, his heart feeling like it would burst at the longing in Sasha’s voice. 

“Sasha, I...” he began. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many reassurances, but his tongue felt too clumsy under the haze of arousal and his usual lack of finesse with words. “You’ve got me. You’ve always had me.” That would have to be enough for now.

Sasha kissed the hollow of his hip while his hand came rest on his thigh. His little finger was so, so close to his testicles, and the way Sasha was slowly caressing him through the fabric of his trousers lead him to believe that he was well aware of it. The kisses moved to just above his waistband, his cock brushing against Sasha’s neck. 

“Oh god, please Sasha!” he begged, a swollen ache rapidly growing inside him. 

“Oh Lenya... god, you want me so badly, don’t you?”

Sasha sounded so in love with him at that moment that Leonid felt his eyes sting with tears. Sasha’s hand brushed lightly across the front of his jeans. He bucked up, seeking friction to ease the discomfort of his erection.

“Sasha please, I need you. Anything. Just touch me, please!”

He was not at all prepared for Sasha’s mouth closing around the head of his cock through his jeans. Even with the thick barrier, he could feel how hot the man’s mouth was, and he cried out at the strange new sensation. He’d never imagined anything could feel this good, it didn’t seem real. Sasha moaned and the vibrations were enough to make him sob.

“Lenya... god, you’re so hard...” Sasha mumbled against his erection. “This is for me. Oh god...”

The last bit seemed more to himself than to Leonid, and it was spoken with pure wonder. Sasha’s fingers hooked in his waistband and slowly, reverently, slid his trousers and briefs off until he lay naked. His cock was heavy against his belly, fluid already leaking from the tip in copious amounts, his balls swollen and tight between his thighs. Sasha studied him, stroking down his chest slowly until he reached Leonid’s painful hardness.

“Oh Lenya... you...” He pumped him once, slowly, experimentally and Leonid cried out. He’d never felt this desperate in his life.

“Sasha! I can’t...”

“It’s ok, Lenya. Just let yourself feel.”

And with that, Sasha dipped his head to lick a stripe from his base to his tip. Leonid couldn’t breath. The pointed wet tip of Sasha’s tongue traced a circle around his crown, dipping into his slit, before flicking lightly at his frenulum. It was too much, far too much.

“Ah! Stop! Stop, fuck!”

Sasha immediately released him and regarded him with pure concern as he squeezed his eyes shut and panted, desperately trying to regain control.

“Lenya? Are you ok?”

“Too close... fuck, don’t want to, not yet.”

He opened his eyes just in time to see Sasha shudder with arousal and press the heel of his hand into the bulge in his own trousers. He looked so flushed with desire, so hungry for him. When Sasha looked like he had better control of himself, he cupped Leonid’s testicles and rolled them carefully in his hand. Leonid had never really paid too much attention to his balls when masturbating, not beyond a few casual touches anyway, but the thrum of arousal Sasha’s fingers sent through him made him regret it deeply. He whimpered as Sasha bent his head to take one in his mouth, the warm pressure both soothing and inflaming the heavy ache within them.

“Fuck...” he moaned, grasping weakly at Sasha’s head. “So good...”

Sasha slowly pulled away, only to suckle gently at Leonid’s base. When Leonid had thought about what this would be like, he’d imagined Sasha just taking him in his mouth and bobbing his head until he came. But this, this was art. This was Sasha carefully and kindly showing him how his body could feel, if only he let it. And oh, how he wanted to let it. He would lay here the rest of his life if he could, letting Sasha toy with him and give him pleasure he’d never dreamed even existed. Even the desperate need to come and the dull ache inside him were enjoyable now. Lips moved slowly up his length until his head was encased in the heat of Sasha’s mouth. Sasha sucked, only slightly, but enough for Leonid to feel a growing tightness around him. A strong hand on his hip prevented him from thrusting, as much as his body tried to, and a firm grip around his base held him steady as he was taken in slowly until he could feel himself almost breaching Sasha’s throat.

Ah! Oh fuck, Sasha, yes, I need it, please!” he babbled helplessly.

Sasha withdrew until only his tip rested against Sasha’s wet lips, before taking him in again, setting a slow, sensual pace. Leonid could do nothing but lay there and take it, whimpering and moaning and gasping for air as the pressure within him built and built, only kept in check by a harsh squeeze around his base and the stilling of Sasha’s mouth every time he felt himself getting close. Again and again Sasha brought him to the edge, never letting him fall, never letting him finally relieve the growing need for release and the heavy swell within him. His legs trembled with it. It was too much and not enough and he was in heaven.

When his cock nudged the back of Sasha’s throat again, Sasha stilled unexpectedly, took a deep breath through his nose, and pushed further down Leonid’s length until his lips reached his base. And then he swallowed. Tight throat muscles clenched around his cock and oh, it was agony in the most beautiful way.

“Shit! Shit, fuck, Sasha! I’m... oh, fuck, I can’t...”

The pressure had built in him beyond breaking point and as Sasha slid back up his cock and freed him from the confines of his throat, he finally spent, crying out and feeling wave after wave course through his body. Through it all, Sasha’s lips stayed fastened around him, sucking and stroking him through his orgasm until he was too sensitive and only stopping when he began to thrash weakly in an attempt to stop the torture. Sasha moved to lay next to him and pulled his limp body against his chest, holding him close as the aftershocks died down and his heart slowly stopped pounding. 

“Shh, that’s it Lenya. Just breathe. I’ve got you,” Sasha said softly, stroking his hair.

Leonid dragged his now almost completely useless body up to kiss Sasha, startled at the taste of his own seed but surprisingly unbothered by it.

“Jesus, Sasha... that was... god, I can’t feel my legs. I love you, fuck.”

Sasha grinned at him and kissed him again. “I love you too! You were perfect. Everything I’d imagined, Lenya. Thank you for letting me do that.”

Leonid lay back down on his chest, glancing down the length of his body to see that Sasha was still hard, a wet spot quite obvious at the tip of him.

“Fuck, Sasha, you’re still... do you want me to...?”

“You don’t have to, love. I can, uh... take care of it myself if you want me to.”

Leonid thought for a moment. “Yeah, yeah, I’d like that. But,” he said, putting a hand on Sasha’s chest to stop him moving. “I want to... I want to watch you.”

He rolled off Sasha and gave him a shy smile, thrilled at the fire he saw in his eyes. Sasha swallowed audibly, and shimmied out of his trousers to reveal his weeping erection. 

“Where should I-“

“Over me. Kneel over me,” Leonid said. Sasha positioned himself, a blush spreading rapidly across his cheeks and Leonid squeezed his thigh encouragingly. “Yeah, like that. Fuck, you’re so gorgeous like this.”

Sasha took himself in hand and began to stroke himself, his head dropping back and his mouth falling open in pleasure. Leonid watched with rapt attention and tried to memorise every detail. Sasha’s chest was rising and falling with panting breaths, his bicep was flexing with each pump of his fist.

“Fuck, I... I’ve thought about you like this, Sasha. That morning after you came to my flat, I was thinking about you doing this.”

Sasha’s grip faltered for a moment. “I did, when I got home,” he said in a slightly choked voice. “Oh god, Lenya...”

“Yeah, fuck, keep going for me.”

“All for you, Lenya. Always for you. I can’t... fuck, having you in my mouth, I thought I was going to finish from that alone.”

Leonid rocked up, the thrill of Sasha swearing was fast becoming something of a fetish for him and his cock was rapidly beginning to harden again, despite how recently Sasha had almost killed him.

“Sasha, fuck... how do you do this to me?”

Sasha looked down at the erection now nudging his testicles and a small sound of surprised slipped from his still swollen lips.  
“You’re hard again. From watching me.”

It was another one of his statements to himself, and the surprise in his voice was heartbreaking. Leonid vowed to himself that he’d spend the rest of his life trying to make Sasha see how stunning he was. He took Sasha’s hand and pulled him down into a kiss, trying his best to put how he felt about him into it, trying to show Sasha how worthy of love and attraction he was. Sasha’s cock brushed against his own and he moaned. He’d felt this through their trousers before but he’d never felt Sasha’s erection naked against his own like this, leaking onto him. Sasha repositioned himself between Leonid’s legs and reached between them, wrapping his large hand around them both. The pressure was amazing, and Leonid groaned with newfound need.

“Give me your hand, love. I want to do this together.”

With both their hands wrapped around them, the pressure was perfect, and as they slowly stroked together, Leonid let his hand wander down to Sasha’s plump arse, sinking his fingers into the meat of it and enjoying the way Sasha bucked into their joined fists. Sasha was panting now, making those small noises Leonid knew meant he was almost there. His own orgasm was building quickly too, the sheer intimacy of the moment driving his arousal as much as the physical sensations.

“Are you close, Sasha?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Y-yes, oh! Lenya, you feel so good, I can’t hold back much longer, please tell me you’re close. I need to come with you, love.”

And that was all Leonid needed to tip over the edge, pulsing into their hands and feeling Sasha’s thick length throb against his own and cover his belly in his release with soft moans of his name. Leonid kissed him through it, feeing the older man tremble and shudder in his arms and amazing himself with the strength of his feelings in that moment at Sasha’s beautiful vulnerability. Nothing mattered to him in that moment but how he felt about this man, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, it finally ends! I apologise for this taking a while, it took longer than I expected to get this chapter to a point that I was happy with it. I’m still not 100% on it, if I’m honest, but I’ve spent so long rereading and tweaking it, it feels like I’m always going to find fault with it. So it felt like time to publish. I hope you all enjoy it.

Leonid had hoped, apparently in vain, that the changing room jokes would stop when he got promoted to senior engineer, but the men still seemed to find it enjoyable to make fun of his weight and moustache. Still, he’d passed the exam with flying colours, and he wore his new title proudly. Studying had gone well, his usual difficulties had been helped greatly by Sasha quizzing him and rewarding him for correct answers with kisses, and the occasional bite to his ear for getting especially difficult questions right. A memory of a particularly enjoyable study session had him struggling to suppress a grin, and he quickly looked around to make sure nobody had noticed that his smile had nothing to do with the ribbing he was receiving.

Tomorrow would mark six months with Sasha and they had plans to celebrate that evening. He was admittedly a little bitter about the celebration having to stay confined to Sasha’s apartment, it didn’t seem fair that they could never hold hands in public or even spend too many nights together without arousing suspicion. But despite that, he was coping well with this new chapter of his life. The struggles with self hatred were few and far between these days and he was getting much better at stopping them whenever that awful part of his mind flared up. And getting to discover his sexual side with Sasha, learning just how much he loved Sasha’s big hands all over him and how satisfying it was to wrap his lips around Sasha’s thick cock... well, he wouldn’t trade that for the world. He smiled again. He loved his job, he loved Sasha, and after work he’d be tasting his way across Sasha’s body until neither of them could move. What more could he really ask for?

The good mood was not to last. The sight of the output display sitting at 1600 was jarring and discovering he’d have to perform a test with Dyatlov standing over his shoulder brought his old lack of confidence back with a vengeance in the form of sweating palms and a feeling of having drank both too much and not enough coffee.

“Don’t worry, we’ll do it together,” Sasha said when he expressed his doubts. “I’m looking over the instructions now.”

Sasha thumbed through the manual in front of him, and Leonid tried his best to feel calm. Usually, Sasha’s assurances worked to keep him steady but something just didn’t feel right. Fear was sitting heavy in his gut, and the state of the manual wasn’t helping.

“Are we supposed to do those or not?” he asked, gesturing to the crossed out steps. 

Sasha furrowed his brow and picked up the phone. Shit. That Sasha was confused too was definitely not a good sign. “He says to follow the crossed out directions,” he said, after a brief conversation.

“Then... why are they crossed out?”

The door burst open just as Sasha opened his mouth to respond. Dyatlov strode in radiating even more hostility than usual and thankfully missing Leonid’s flinch.

“We’ve been cleared to run the test,” he announced, peering at the power readout. “1600, good. Now, is it too much to ask that you all know what you’re doing?”

“Well, we-“

“Absolutely!” Sasha said, cutting him off before he could attract Dyatlov’s ire.

“Stolyarchuk?”

“Yes.”

“Kirschenbaum?”

“I haven’t reviewed-“ he stammered. “We only just found out we-“

Dyatlov hurled a folder at him. “There. Review it. Or just do what I tell you. I think even you, as stupid as you are, can manage that.”

Leonid took a steadying breath and tried to stay focussed on his panel. Sasha was tense beside him, likely as pissed off at Dyatlov’s treatment of their friend as he was himself. Kirschenbaum was a trained professional, they all were. Dyatlov was an arsehole, he treated them like idiot school children and it rankled. Kirschenbaum began muttering his disagreement to Stolyarchuk and Leonid winced. If he could hear it, Dyatlov certainly could. The man had hearing like a bat. At least bats ate mosquitos, he thought. All Dyatlov did was flap about and scare the shit out of everyone.

“Shut the fuck up and do your job!” Dyatlov barked. “Toptunov! Reduce power to 700.”

“I’ve never done this with the power so low,” he whispered to Sasha. Anger was quickly giving way to fear and he could feel sweat pooling at his lower back.

“It’s ok. I’m with you,” Sasha replied as he shifted a little closer.

With a nervous swallow, Leonid began pressing the required buttons, wishing more than ever that he could hold Sasha’s hand, if only for a second. “Reducing power to 700.”

The numbers trickled down slowly as he savoured the comforting press of Sasha’s shoulder against his own. Everything he knew about reactors was screaming at him with each drop in power. A reactor should never be allowed to get so low, surely this wasn’t safe. What the hell was Dyatlov thinking?

“Easy now,” Sasha said. “Slow it down.”

Leonid nodded, and wiped the sweat from his brow. He could feel Dyatlov’s eyes boring into back as he reached to make the necessary adjustments, and he was thankful his hands weren’t shaking. Dyatlov didn’t need the bait.

“Good. Like that,” Sasha said with a reassuring tone. Leonid swallowed.

“You should have finished by now.” Dyatlov barked. Leonid held his breath as he felt Sasha square his shoulders beside him.

“We’re following protocol for reduction rate,” Sasha said with forced calm.

“You’re procrastinating! There are ten other men in this plant who would have done it already.”

Leonid glanced at his boyfriend, but Sasha’s eyes stayed focussed on the panel. “Keep working, you’re doing fine.”

In Leonid’s head, Sasha’s reassurance ended with a term of endearment and a squeeze of his hand. He’d come to recognise when Sasha wanted to say more than he could, and he tried to let it keep him calm despite the suffocating panic that began to take over as the number fell. The door slammed, Dyatlov had stormed out. Leonid snuck a glance at Sasha. His mouth was set in concentration and Leonid could tell that he was afraid too. This wasn’t right, this wasn’t right at all.

“Ok, very slow now,” Sasha said as the output dropped below 800. “Let’s coast this down to 700.”

Without warning, the numbers started plummeting. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Leonid could do nothing but watch on in horrified confusion as the output dropped far below what was planned.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa... slow!” Sasha said, looking as panicked as Leonid felt.

“I didn’t move any rods there!”

They stared at the panel, utterly bewildered as the output slipped below 600. Leonid felt like he was going to throw up, this was all wrong. How the hell was this happening, what had he done?

“What is this?”

Leonid put his hands up in defence. “I’m not even touching it!”

Lower and lower, 570, 550, 540. He looked at Sasha, desperate for an answer but the look on Sasha’s face only made his stomach churn harder. Sasha exhaled audibly and backed away from the panel and towards the door, returning with Dyatlov. 

“We did everything right,” Sasha said, sounding far more confident than Leonid felt. “I think the core might be poisoned...”

Pure fury darkened Dyatlov’s already grim face. “If you thought the core was poisoned then you didn’t do everything right, because you’re choking my reactor! Get it back up!”

“If we switch off LAC, it’s possible we could get more control...”

“Do it! Go!” Dyatlov barked. Sasha hurried back to his side.

“Disable local automatic control, go to global,” he said. Leonid felt frozen. “Leonid!”

He shook his head, coming back to himself, and flicked switches as he prayed that the reactor would respond correctly. Sasha related his actions to the room and they all held their breath as he forced his eyes to the output indicator.

It kept dropping. Impossibly low now, against everything he knew. He backed away from the console on unstable legs in disbelief. This couldn’t be happening.

“What did you do?!” Dyatlov screamed at him.

“I did what you said! I switched-“

“Look at it!”

He watched as the output slipped below 100, falling until it finally came to a stop on 30.

“I don’t understand,” Sasha said, more to himself than anyone else.

“You fucking amateurs! You stalled the reactor! How the fuck did you get this job?!”

An invisible fist tightened around Leonid’s throat, and he put his head in his hands, forcing himself not to cry. Not now, not in front of Dyatlov of all people.

“Comrade-“ Sasha started, but the attempt to appease Dyatlov was cut off by another rant at their apparent incompetence, and Sasha visibly deflated. 

“We have to shut it all the way down,” he tried again.

“No.” Dyatlov’s voice was eerily calm and sent a chill through the room.

“But... we’re in a xenon pit. We have to shut down, wait 24 hours-“

Again, Sasha was cut off. “No. We’re doing the test tonight. Raise the power to 700.”

A beat passed as the room took in Dyatlov’s insane demand. Sasha began arguing furiously, explaining how dangerous it was, but it was no good. He shouted down every point Sasha made, and demanded again that they raise the power. And Sasha refused. The room was completely still, all of them were staring at the two men. Leonid’s heartbeat was pounding in his ears as he straightened defiantly beside Sasha. Quiet, calm, meek Sasha. A man with far more courage and strength than anyone other than him was aware. He wasn’t going to let him down now. They were in this together.

Dyatlov stalked towards them, a state of eerie calm settling on his face that was far more terrifying than his previous anger. “Safety first,” he said, low and menacing. “Always. I’ve been saying that for 25 years. That’s how long I’ve done this job. 25 years. Is that longer than you, Akimov?”

“Yes.”

“Is it much longer?”

“Yes.”

Dyatlov turned to Leonid. “And you? With your mother’s tit barely out of your mouth? If I say it’s safe, it’s safe. If the two of you disagree, you don’t have to work here. And you won’t. But not just here. You won’t work at Kursk. Or Ignalina. Or Leningrad. Or Novo-Voronezh. You won’t work anywhere ever again. I’ll see to it. I think you know I’ll see to it. Raise the power.”

Nobody spoke. Nobody breathed. Time felt like it had stopped. In a sudden flurry of movement, Sasha grabbed the logbook and demanded Dyatlov record his command, only to have it slapped from his hand. With a slow breath, Sasha caught Leonid’s gaze. They were fucked. They didn’t have a choice.

“Together, then,” Sasha said. Leonid nodded. Together. Always.

They pressed buttons and flipped switches, but the power only crept as high as 200. They shared another troubled glance, and Sasha’s shoulders slumped again.

“I’m sorry, but this is all we can get. 200 megawatts. We’ve pulled almost everything out.”

They waited as Dyatlov exhaled, thinking for a moment before coming to his decision. The test was to proceed and despite objections from Sasha and Boris’ report of dangerously low steam pressure, they had no choice but to obey. The computer printed out a warning and a recommendation that they stop immediately, but Dyatlov brushed it off and demanded they continued. Just before the test finally began, Leonid looked at Sasha, hoping for one last reassuring glance to tell him everything would be ok.

“We did everything right,” Sasha said. It was like a reflex, a way of calming himself more than anything for Leonid’s benefit, but it would have to do.

Kirschenbaum flipped a switch, and announced the closing of a valve, and they all waited silently in the stifling tension of the room for the test to complete. A light blinked on the fuel channel display, then another and another. Leonid’s heart stopped. He looked at the power output.

“We have a power surge! Sasha!”

Everyone’s attention was immediately drawn to the rising output. Leonid was rooted to the spot in fear. What the hell was happening? Sasha dived for the shutdown button, ripping the cover off it and slamming it hard. Bile rose in Leonid’s throat as the numbers kept climbing, higher and higher at ever increasing speed. Past the operating limit, twice the operating limit, into numbers that he couldn’t believe possible. 

A loud boom, and dust rained from the ceiling. Another, hard enough to shake them, hard enough for Leonid to feel the vibration in his chest and in his teeth. He stumbled back into his panel with ringing ears and reached for Sasha’s arm, pure panic flowing through his veins. What the hell had happened to them?

The next few minutes were a terrifying blur. Perevozchenko, shellshocked. Control rods not moving. An ominous metallic taste in his mouth. Dead phone lines. He didn’t want to believe Valeriy, couldn’t believe him, but when one of the trainees returned with a tanned face, the other likely already dead, Leonid knew. The reactor had exploded. The impossible had happened. 

He half-carried the boy, younger even than him, to the infirmary on Dyatlov’s orders. Leonid knew Viktor was going to die. If he had looked into the open core, he’d received a fatal dose, and the speed at which he was deteriorating left little room for doubt at the veracity of his story. The nurse’s horrified look when he delivered the barely conscious body of his friend, blood dripping through his own uniform from the arm he was using to support Viktor, was the final confirmation he needed. 

By the time he returned to the control room, it was just Igor and Boris, arguing with Sasha. Perevozchenko hadn’t returned. Nobody else had come. He slumped against the wall and grit his teeth against the agonising pain in his arm as blood dripped slowly to the floor. Was he going to die too, he wondered. How much radioactive material had poor Viktor had on him? Tears began running down his face at the realisation that the nurse was likely going to die too. And who knew how many of his friends were somewhere in the plant, already dead from radiation or the explosion itself.

Sasha’s voice brought him back to the present with a jolt. “We need water in the core or there’s a risk of meltdown. We have to open the valves!”

The three men froze and stared at their friend incredulously.

“Sasha-“ Boris began, but Sasha cut him off.

“What is it you want Boris?” Sasha asked desperately. “If it’s true, then we’re all dead! A million people are dead! Is that what you want to hear?”

Boris looked at Sasha pleadingly, but Sasha didn’t even seem to notice. He turned to Leonid. 

“We’ll open the valves by hand.”

“By hand?” Boris shouted. “The number of valves, the amount of time to turn them, you’re talking hours in there!”

“Then help us!”

“Help you do what? Pump water into a ditch? There’s nothing there!” Boris turned to Leonid, frantic fear on his face. “Leonid, I’m begging you!”

Leonid was terrified. Sasha, his mentor. His friend. His love. So convinced that he was right and that they were all going to be ok. So desperate for Leonid to tell him that they had nothing to fear. He pushed himself off the wall and staggered towards Sasha. 

“He’s right, Sasha. It’s over. The core is gone,” he said, voice choked with pain. “Look at my arm... it’s from touching Viktor. You saw him, you saw his face... he’s looked into the core, Sasha. We have to get out of here. Please. There’s nothing else we can do. Don’t die for nothing, Sasha. Don’t leave me alone.”

A beat passed. Two. Nobody spoke. Sasha’s face crumpled and he sank to the floor and wept. “We did everything right. We did everything right!”

Leonid exchanged a glance with Boris and Igor, who both nodded solemnly and pulled Sasha to his feet. “It’s ok, Sasha,” Leonid said as they left the room. “It’s ok. We’ll be ok, I promise.”

——

He was woken by a horrible choked sound of despair and the violent movements of the man next to him. With well a practiced movement, he snatched Sasha’s hand out of the air and squeezed.

“Sasha, love? It’s ok, you’re ok. It’s just a dream, you’re ok. Come back to me. That it, wake up for me,” he said, keeping his grip on Sasha’s hand tight to stop him flailing.

With a great gasp, Sasha burst back into consciousness and began crying. “I killed you, Lenya. I thought you were gone...”

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m here. I’m always here, always. You didn’t hurt me, Sasha. I’m ok. We’re both ok.”

“But your arm! I... oh god, what have I done to you? I promised to keep you safe and I hurt you!”

Leonid looked at the stump where his arm used to be. The doctor had said the radiation damage from carrying Viktor was too severe, too deep, and that amputation was the only option. The ghost of it still burned from time to time.

“You didn’t do this, Sasha. You tried to stop it. I don’t care about my arm. I survived. You survived. That’s what matters to me. I love you, Sasha. Please stop torturing yourself.”

Sasha shuddered and turned into Leonid’s chest and let himself be held. Leonid closed his eyes and felt his own tears fall. In the months that had passed since the accident, Sasha had far more bad days than good, the worst being an incident shortly after their discharge from hospital involving a broken glass. It often felt like the Sasha he’d fallen in love with had died in the explosion, leaving behind only this broken shell half destroyed and by guilt. It hurt, seeing him like this, remembering how happy they were before. He missed his Sasha, the one who was level headed, calm, kind, loving. The one who could make his stomach flip with a small smile beneath his moustache. The one who could go on for ages about old wars. The one who only swore during sex and made soft little moans when Leonid touched him just right. Leonid loved him regardless, but it was getting increasingly hard to hold himself together as well as remain strong for Sasha. They’d been happy. Why did this have to happen?

“I’m so sorry Lenya. I know it’s hard for you too,” Sasha mumbled into his chest. Pain squeezed Leonid’s heart.

“Yeah, it is. But you’re worth it, Sasha. I love you, remember?”

“I love you, too. I want to stop feeling like this but I don’t know how. I just... I can’t stop the dreams. Or the memories. I can’t stop feeling guilty.”

Leonid sighed and kissed Sasha’s hair. “I wish I knew how to help you.”

“Me too.”

Sasha slipped into sleep again and Leonid closed his eyes and buried his face in Sasha’s hair, inhaling the familiar smell of shampoo. They’d be ok. They had to be.

When he woke again, it was to the feeling of paws kneading at his chest and long whiskers tickling his nose. Vaska. The one remainder of their former lives. He’d been spared the fate of the other pets of Pripyat when his owner had moved permanently shortly before the accident, and Sasha had thankfully known better to argue when the woman had turned up at Sasha’s door a month after his discharge from hospital with a disgruntled cat in a basket, telling Sasha he deserved the companionship. Leonid had been beyond overjoyed to see him, even if the novelty of being woken up most days by the beast had worn off fairly quickly.

It had taken some time to get back to sleep the night before, and his body couldn’t handle tiredness as well as it used to. So he was content to lay for a while longer as the cat curled up on his chest and Sasha pressed close to his side. Nothing needed doing, anyway. One of the perks of being unfit for work was being able to spend his mornings like this whenever he needed to.

Leonid was just beginning to drift back to sleep when he heard someone knocking on the door. He waited, hoping whoever it was would leave, but they knocked again. Groaning, he tipped Vaska to the floor and dragged himself to the door. 

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, it took a few seconds for his vision to focus properly and register who was disturbing him.

“Comrade... Comrade Khomyuk? From the commission?”

“Yes. I need to speak with Comrade Akimov, it’s important. He wasn’t at home, I was hoping you would know where he was?”

Sasha’s flat was rarely inhabited. They couldn’t, of course, officially live together but their assigned apartments had been close to each other and with his disability, it was easy for them to appear as a cripple and his helpful friend to the few people who were not too afraid of contamination to spare them a glance.

“He’s here.” Leonid frowned and lowered his voice. “Look, he’s not... he still has a lot of guilt about the explosion. I don’t want to upset him. Please, whatever this is... I’d rather you just spoke to me.”

“That’s what I’m here to talk about. I have information. But I can’t explain here. Please, Comrade Toptunov. Leonid. it’s important.”

Leonid scrubbed a palm over his face and debated with himself for a moment. He recognised that stubborn look in her eye, it was the same look Galia had when she had given Sasha the cat. There was little point trying to argue with women of a certain age. He sighed and stepped back to let her enter and lead her to the lounge. “Take a seat, I’ll go get him.”

Sasha was still asleep, his face showing hints of his old self in his relaxed state. It didn’t seem fair to disturb him. But Khomyuk had been kind when she’d interviewed them, she hadn’t blamed them for Dyatlov’s arrogance or accused them of incompetence. If there was a possibility that what she had to say could help Sasha in some way, Leonid would have to take that chance. He nudged him gently, affection blooming in his heart as Sasha blinked blearily and mumbled his name.

“Time to get up, love. We, uh... we have a visitor. I think you need to speak to her.”

“Hmm? A... a visitor? Who...” Sasha yawned and forced himself upright. “Who is it?”

“Comrade Khomyuk, from the commission? Look, I know you probably don’t want to speak to her but... she said she has information for you. Important information. I don’t know what but I think... maybe... maybe you need to hear it. Please, Sasha? For me?”

Sasha paled, but nonetheless silently got out of bed and followed Leonid to the lounge. With Khomyuk still in her coat and the two of them in their pyjamas, Leonid could almost laugh at the strange scene and it’s parallels to the last time they had seen her.

Khomyuk cleared the throat and leaned forward a little. “What I’m about to tell you boys must never leave this room. I shouldn’t even be here. But I can’t let you go on thinking that you caused this. Comrade Akimov, there was a flaw in the reactor design. The AZ-5 button should have worked but the control rods are tipped with graphite. Do you understand? It almost caused a similar accident in Leningrad. It was a known danger and nothing was done about it. The decisions of your superiors pushed the reactor too far, and the AZ-5 flaw sealed your fates. There was nothing you could have done. You did what you were supposed to, you couldn’t have known the consequences. I am so sorry.”

Leonid felt dizzy. The reactor was always going to explode. The increased reactivity caused by the graphite... the shutdown button was useless in the situation they had found themselves. He reached for Sasha’s hand and squeezed.

“Sasha? Do you know what this means? We... god, Sasha, we couldn’t have done a thing to stop it.”

Sasha wobbled slightly in his seat, pale and sweaty. “But... you mean I didn’t... I didn’t kill anyone?”

“No, Comrade Akimov. You did not. I am hoping this design flaw will be revealed at the trial, but I thought you deserved to know, given the likelihood of the State choosing to keep the secret. You won’t be tried, by the way. My colleagues and I have seen to it.” Her face turned from kind to deathly serious in a heartbeat. “You understand you must never tell a soul what I’ve told you today. This information officially doesn’t exist. I shouldn’t even know.”

“We understand. Thank you, Comrade. You’ve... it means a lot,” Leonid said. Sasha looked too shellshocked to respond.

“I should go. Stay safe.”

Leonid walked her to the door and pulled her into a hug. “Thank you. You don’t know what he means to me.”

She smiled, understanding sparkling in her eyes, and opened the door. “Thank you boys, for clarifying some of your previous statements from your interviews.”

With a small nod she was gone, leaving Leonid to process everything. Sasha truly was innocent. Maybe now, he could really start to heal.

***

“I love you,” Sasha whispered. “I’ll always love you, Lenya.”

“I love you too. You’re everything, Sasha. I mean it.”

Sasha kissed him and Leonid let himself melt into it. The old Sasha had slowly been reappearing from beneath the shroud of guilt and pain in the weeks since Khomyuk’s visit, and Leonid couldn’t help but smile at his boyfriend’s newfound peace. He let his hand slip under Sasha’s shirt and come to rest in the small of Sasha’s back, a soft noise of satisfaction escaping as he stroked the silky fur he found there.

It had been too long since they’d had this. Between their physical health and Sasha’s difficulties accepting he was worthy of anything good, there had been little contact between them other than chaste kisses and holding each other at night, but as Sasha’s lips moved from his mouth to brush gently across his jaw and down his neck, Leonid allowed himself to hope. 

Sasha tugged at his t-shirt and he let himself be stripped, happily pulling at Sasha’s clothing too until they lay fully naked together, for the first time since the accident. He closed his eyes, feeling them water at the sensation of skin against his own. He’d missed this so much. Sasha’s body was a bit slimmer now, and his own had several scars from skin grafts and bone marrow transplants, not to mention the missing arm, but it didn’t matter. Sasha was still Sasha, and he was still Leonid.

“Lenya? You’re crying, what is it?”

“Nothing... nothing, I just... I missed you, Sasha,” he said, wiping his eyes. “I’m happy. Honestly.”

Sasha cupped his face and kissed him as though he was trying to pour all the affection Leonid had missed into the movement of his lips and the warmth of his hand. Leonid stroked as much of his body as his one hand could reach and Sasha traced around his scars in response, sending shivers up his spine and causing him to harden rapidly. God, he’d missed this.

“You’re still beautiful, you know. You’ll always be beautiful to me,” Sasha said softly. I know I’ve said it before, but I am sorry for what I’ve put you through since... everything. I don’t deserve you.”

Leonid sighed. “Don’t talk like that. Please? I’m here because I want to be, because I love you and I love who you are, and it’s not about ‘deserving’ or anything stupid like that. Ok?”

“Ok.”

With only one arm, and still being quite a bit lighter than Sasha, he didn’t have much leverage, but a bit of shoving had Sasha rolling them both over until he lay atop the man he loved. Propping himself on only one arm was difficult but it was worth it to get to feel Sasha beneath him as they kissed, and to have Sasha’s hands free to roam over his body and squeeze his arse. It had been so long since he’d experienced anything other than his own hand, and having to learn to do it with his right had sort of taken a lot of the fun out of it for a while anyway. Now, with Sasha’s chest hair on his skin and his thick erection brushing against his own, he felt spoilt for choice. He wanted to taste Sasha again, he wanted to feel himself in Sasha’s mouth, he wanted everything.

“Lenya... I...” Sasha said, pulling free of the kiss.

Leonid looked down at the beautiful blush flaring on his cheeks and kissed each in turn. “What do you want, gorgeous?”

“You. In me. If... if you’d like that too?”

He couldn’t help but moan at that, grinding himself against Sasha and feeling a delicious pulse of arousal making it’s way up his spine. They’d never talked about it before, though Sasha had fingered him a few times while sucking him off, but before the accident, he had started to let himself wonder what it would be like and what end of things he’d prefer to be on. He’d assumed, though he now realised naively, that as the skinnier, younger, and substantially less experienced of the two of them that he’d be the one to be fucked. While the idea of having Sasha inside him certainly had merit, he was instantly aflame with the idea of getting to slide into Sasha and grab his hips and...

Fuck. One hand. How was he supposed to do this with one hand.

“Lenya? Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked, it’s too much...”

“No! No, fuck, it’s not that. I want to. I really, really want to. It’s just... you know... the arm. Not sure how this works with the arm, I can’t even balance on you like this, how am I supposed to manage... thrusting?”

Leonid watched with a heavy heart as Sasha took in his words, his old guilt all too visible in his eyes.

“God, I’m sorry. I didn’t think...”

“Hey, it’s ok!” he said quickly. “We can work something out, right? Maybe... I dunno, is there a way of doing it where I don’t have to balance? I don’t really know how two men do it, not really.”

He manoeuvred himself to sit upright and looked down at Sasha’s chest as he ran his fingers through the hair. As soft and thick as he remembered, and still exciting. Sasha’s cock, still reasonably hard, twitched against him where he sat. They looked at each other, apparently coming to the same realisation.

“We could do it like this,” he said with a grin. “You could sit on me like this, ride me. Fuck. Yeah, let’s do that!” He scrabbled off Sasha and lay back, still grinning. 

Sasha hesitated for a moment, before seating himself in Leonid’s lap, an awkward little smile peaking from beneath his moustache. Leonid was instantly transported back to the first time Sasha had sucked his cock, the memory of how damn good Sasha had looked above him as he stroked himself making Leonid bite his lip as he grabbed Sasha’s hip.

“You need to, uh... get me ready, love,” Sasha said, cheeks blazing. Leonid nodded dumbly as Sasha climbed off him and disappeared into the bathroom, returning with a tub of petroleum jelly he’d never seen before. “I, well... I thought it would be a good idea to have some around. Just in case.”

Torn between laughing at the bashful smile on Sasha’s face and moaning at the idea of Sasha knowing he wanted this long enough to buy supplies, he instead settled for dragging Sasha back on his lap and playfully tapping his arse. 

“So, what do I do? Like you’ve done for me, or... oh, fuck, you could, erm... do it for me? Let me... watch?”

If the twitch of Sasha’s cock was anything to go by, he was definitely into the idea. From the beginning they’d always seemed to enjoy watching each other and performing for each other, and Leonid was ecstatic to see that it was still the case for Sasha. He watched, enthralled as Sasha unscrewed the lid and dipped his fingers into the pot. Slowly, he reached behind himself and the way his mouth dropped open slightly as he pressed inside himself was obscene.

“Oh fuck, I don’t know if I’ll last long enough to actually do anything. You look so amazing like this.”

Sasha began rocking back onto his hand with small, slow movements, his breath shaky and his cock furiously red. “Ah! Lenya, I... god, I need you,” he panted. 

Leonid could feel the months of frustration combining with the thrill of seeing Sasha in such a state, making him half crazy with need. He really had been telling the truth, he was so close already and with Sasha’s erection occasionally brushing lightly against his own, he was in serious danger of losing it before they could get started.

“Please, Sasha, fuck... I can’t wait, please, just...FUCK!”

Leonid’s feet scrabbled against the bed in a desperate attempt to rise up into the tightly gripped fist around his cock. One stroke, two, and he was gone, painting his body with his release and swearing under his breath almost continuously as Sasha stroked him through it, his other hand still busy inside himself. 

“Oh god, that’s it. Come for me, love. So beautiful, Lenya.”

His body still seizing, he clumsily pulled Sasha’s arm towards him and sucked his fingers into his mouth, tasting himself with a moan. He could already tell it wouldn’t take long to get hard again, he was barely softening as it was. Sasha climbed off him without warning and licked a stripe up his chest, following a streak of come to Leonid’s nipple and biting it hard enough to make him yelp.

“Oh fuck, I’d forgotten how good that feels,” he groaned as Sasha began flicking the tip of his tongue across the tender peak. He could feel the wet head of Sasha’s cock pressed against his belly and felt his own throb in sympathy. “Do it. I’m hard, sit on me.”

The sight of Sasha raising to his knees and positioning himself over Leonid’s cock was one that would be burned into his memory forever. He felt the hot flesh of Sasha’s entrance against his tip. The way the muscle gradually began to give way as Sasha lowered himself. The unbearable tight heat enveloping him as he slid down, down, down until he was fully seated in his lap, panting and flush and tense.

“Oh! Lenya, I... it’s been so long since I’ve... ah, fuck!”

He hadn’t heard Sasha swear since before the accident and that one little curse combined with the wonder of being joined with him like this was overwhelming. He rested his hand on Sasha’s hip and tried not to close his eyes. Every moment of this needed to be remembered fully, he needed to see every clench of Sasha’s stomach and every twitch of his lips as he let himself get used to the feeling of being filled.

“Sasha, fuck! You’re perfect, you’re so fucking perfect.”

It was true. Sasha’s body, despite the thickness and strength having diminished somewhat since the accident, was everything he’d ever stopped himself from desiring. And this new discovery, this feeling of being inside him, feeling every little shift of his hips and knowing he was deep in his body, it was magical. And something he never would have experienced for himself, were it not for Sasha helping him accept who he was.

Sasha rocked himself experimentally and began slowly riding Leonid, rising up until he was almost empty before sliding back down again. “You’re so... fuck, Lenya, you’re so deep. I can feel you. I imagined this so much. I didn’t know if you’d ever want to but god, I hoped you would. The first time I felt you I couldn’t stop thinking about how good you’d feel. So long. Oh god...”

Leonid could do nothing but watch and squeeze bruises into Sasha’s hip as the man took his pleasure. Each time he landed in his lap again, he ground down, forcing Leonid deeper into his body. It felt too good, Leonid was lost in the sensations and the wonderful, filthy words. He bent his knees and pushed up, his body knowing instinctively how to get what it wanted. The cry of shocked pleasure made him drive up again, harder and faster this time, until soon he was hammering into Sasha frantically as the man met every thrust with equal aggression.

“Oh fuck, so fucking tight Sasha. So good, you feel so fucking good around me like this. Don’t ever wanna stop. Fuck, what do you need, tell me what you need!”

A hand landed next to his head as Sasha fell forward and kissed him with a desperate fury. The new angle of his body seemed to allow Leonid to hit perfectly against the spot Sasha had shown him in his own body, and Sasha’s tortured moan was like nothing he’d ever heard before. He could feel Sasha tightening around him, feel drops of slick hitting his stomach. The wonderful little moans he’d not heard for so long were getting louder and louder as Sasha raced towards completion and he knew his own orgasm was approaching just as rapidly.

“Len- Oh! Fuck, Lenya! I’m... god, I’m coming, I’m coming!”

Without a touch to his cock, Sasha was clenching in a violent rhythm around him and painting his chest with thick streaks in three powerful spurts, shuddering and sobbing above him as Leonid continued to pound into him. One final squeeze around his cock threw him over the edge and then he was throwing his head back and crying out as he emptied into Sasha’s depths.

Sasha collapsed on top of him, the warm weight of his body a satisfying addition to Leonid’s afterglow. Without a care for the mess across his body, he wrapped his arm around Sasha’s waist and held him, listening to his breath and letting himself get lost in the closeness. Sasha trembled a little. As Leonid’s shoulder grew wet, he pressed a kiss to Sasha’s ear and squeezed him tighter.

“Hey, it’s ok. What’s wrong, Sasha?”

“Sorry. Sorry, this was amazing, it really was. I’m just... I love you.” He snuffled a little and propped himself up, looking down at Leonid with wet eyes. “I’m just really sorry that things have been so awful. I’m sorry I’ve been in such a mess.”

“It’s ok, Sasha. Of course it is. I understand why you were struggling so much. But I love you, remember? Like I said, I’m here because I want to be. Even when things are shit.”

Sasha gingerly rolled off him, his face twitching in a way Leonid found utterly adorable as his softening cock finally slipped free of Sasha’s body. 

“When... when it happened, I didn’t want to believe... I would have gone in there, if it wasn’t for you. I would have gone to turn those valves. I would have died. And afterwards, after the hospital I... god, Lenya, I’m so, so sorry I did that. I know what it’s like to... to have someone you love do something like that. I hate that I hurt you like that.”

“It’s ok, Sasha. I understood. I still do. But... you can’t do that again, ok? I can’t come home and find you like that again, and I can’t lose you. You’re too important to me.”

Sasha nodded. “I won’t. I promise, I’ll tell you if I ever... get like that again. But I think it’s easier now. Now that I know it wasn’t my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t. Sasha, we both could have died that day. But we didn’t, and we’re both here now, and I get to spend the rest of my life with you, and I know we can be happy. I’d marry you if I could, you know that, right?”

Sasha grabbed his hand and kissed each of his knuckles, a beautiful, tender smile brightening his face. “I’d marry you too. My Lenya.”

And with that, Leonid let himself be pulled into a kiss that removed any doubt that they really would be able to be happy. The accident would always affect them, and it had changed who they were. But they had each other. And really, that was all he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that’s it! My first multi-chapter fic has come to a close. Hopefully I ended it in a way that felt right to you all. Thank you for sticking with it :)

**Author's Note:**

> thegreenmeridian.tumblr.com


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